“I hid that there for my four year old daughter you asshole!” The woman screamed as she wrestled Yohji into a headlock.

“Ack! Just gimme one of the, ack! The knives, we can share it!” Yohji gurgled. She threw him into a display of Styrofoam tombstones.

“Hell no, I need all four of those knives, I’ve got a party of kids coming in to carve pumpkins in fifteen minutes, and these are safety knives!” The woman shouted. She picked up a plastic axe and held it threateningly.

Yohji kept his grip on the carving kit, but decided to try to talk her down until security got to her.

“C’mon lady, let’s be reasonable-”

“Hiya!”

“Ow!” She smacked him in the face with the axe and sent him back into the tombstones. He had a red welt on his face that was stinging like a bitch. He ducked another blow and reached for the first weapon he could find, a severed skeleton hand. He bitch slapped her with it, and she whacked him in the stomach (gak!). He was sent sprawling across the floor into a display of plastic weapons. He armed himself with a scythe and charged her.

She deflected the blow with her axe, snapping the scythe in half in the process.

“Hey! I’m not paying for that, you are so footing the bill for this, psycho!” Yohji spat.

The woman grunted and charged at him again. He got hold on a plastic sword just in time and deflected her blow.

“Please! No further violence in front of the children!” An innocent bystander screamed.

“I need that kit!” The woman screamed back, spit flying wildly from her mouth.

“All I need is a knife, just one!” Yohji exclaimed.

“They sell the knives individually.” A random employee spoke up.

“What?” Yohji and the woman asked.

“The kits are sold out, but the knives are in a big bin by the register.” The employee explained, then went back to cleaning up the destroyed tombstone display.

“Well…I feel awkward now.” Yohji muttered. The woman gave him a final smack over the back of the head with the axe, yanked the kit out of his hands and stalked towards the registers.

Pride somewhat damaged, Yohji too headed towards the registers, but he’d hardly gone two aisles when he was distracted by a familiar wail. He ducked behind a stack of plastic cauldrons when he caught sight of orange clown hair.

‘Shit. Alright, he’s not paying attention to me. I can sneak around the other way-’

“Schuldig please, just let me go to the party…You can’t make me dress up as Piglet. I’m almost fifteen!” Nagi begged.

“Quiet you! We’re here to pick up a costume.” Schuldig said to the employee working the costume aisle.

“Yes…we remember that. You’re the guy who ordered it four months in advance.”

“That’s me!”

“Oh my God you’re sick.”

“Quiet candy vessel.” Schuldig snapped.

“Sorry sir, but you missed the pick up deadline. It’s the day before Halloween, so we put it back on the floor and someone bought it a few minutes ago.”

“But I already paid for it!” Schuldig exclaimed. “I paid a lot of good money for it!”

“Brad paid a lot of good money for it.” Nagi muttered. It was a sad fact that Crawford was the only member of Schwarz with funds.

“I’m sorry sir, but you do have store credit now. That is, if you have your receipt.” The clerk said in a bored tone.

“But that was in June!” Schuldig yelled. “And I don’t recall a receipt!”

“I’m sorry sir. Without a receipt we can’t verify that the transaction took place.”

“But I gave the money to you!”

“So…does that mean you’re calling off this dimwitted scheme?” Nagi asked brightly.

Schuldig glared angrily at the employee, ready to tear her fragile little mind apart, when his eye caught on a Star Wars costume just behind her.

‘Jedi mind trick’.

“You will give me another costume of equal or lesser value.” Schuldig declared, nudging her mind with his telepathy and waving his hand for emphasis.

“I will give you another costume of equal or lesser value.” The employee repeated in a dead voice.

“No! No, fight it! Be strong woman!” Nagi begged.

Meanwhile, Yohji was still frozen to the spot. He weighed the pros and cons of helping Nagi. On the one hand, he was grumpy, sore, and he’d already done his good deed for the day by dethawing the toaster strudel for breakfast. Plus he’d gotten smacked with an axe. On the other hand no doubt Nagi’s misery would be reflected on his boyfriend, and that would no doubt come back to bite Yohji in the ass seeing as he had to live with said boyfriend. It was a tough decision.

What did him in was when Nagi started crying as Schuldig attempted to force him to put on a Snow White costume.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Yohji asked, mostly in shock and disgust. He didn’t really have a plan on how to help Nagi, it was mostly a reactional thing.

“Hmm?” Schuldig looked up, caught sight of Yohji, and a scowl appeared on his face. “Shopping.”

“Waaaah…” Nagi had the Snow White dress stuck over his head with his arms sticking out.

“What are you doing to the kid?” Yohji asked again.

“Helping him get ready for Halloween.” Schuldig answered curtly. “He gets very excited this time of year.”

“I doubt he wants to go to that party as Snow White.” Yohji noted.

“You’re right! He doesn’t want to go to the party as Snow White! Listen to your fuckbuddy Schu, come on!” Nagi pleaded.

“Never mind, you’re on your own.” Yohji snapped, heading towards the register.

“Wait!” Nagi freed himself from the Snow White costume and hugged Yohji’s knees, making him trip and fall over.

“You’re not winning yourself any points here Nagi.” Yohji said angrily. “And why don’t you just bounce him around with your telekinesis? Why do you let him pick on you?”

“Because if I ever lashed out at him then I would kill him and I’m not allowed to kill him yet.” Nagi answered miserably. “Plus he has a tendency to shut down the part of my brain that controls my powers, so I’d have to catch him off guard. And with the whole reading mind things going, he’s got a bit of an advantage.”

“Right.”

“Yohji, this has nothing to do with you. Just buy your knife and leave us alone.” Schuldig said.

“Actually, this has a lot to do with me. Nagi’s happiness reflects on Omi’s happiness, which reflects on my happiness. When Omi’s happy, sometimes he takes over our chores, and thusly, when Nagi’s happy Omi cooks supper and I get to eat real food!” Yohji explained.

Schuldig was reminded of Farfarello.

Yohji managed to pry Nagi off of his legs and climb to his feet.

“He wants to make me go trick or treating to both humiliate me and steal my candy. I can’t even tell what’s worse anymore, Piglet or Snow White…” Nagi mumbled.

“Dude, Snow White’s way worse than Piglet. You’re a guy. Besides, Piglet’s kinda cool. Did you see his movie?” Yohji asked.

“No…I don’t watch Whinny the Pooh because I’m not four!” Nagi yelled.

“Why have you seen it?” Schuldig asked Yohji.

“Omi.” Yohji answered quickly.

“Ri-i-i-i-i-ght…that’s why you cried.” Schuldig said mockingly.

“It’s…very emotional. Anyway, who are you to judge me? Your existence is so sad and pathetic that you’re planning on spending Halloween night forcing a high school kid to go trick or treating for your amusement! Can’t you think of anything better to do? Jesus, get a life!” Yohji said disgustedly.

“Right on!” Nagi enthused.

Schuldig had a withering glare fixed on Yohji. Nagi chose that moment to make a run for it and darted for the nearest exit. Schuldig hardly noticed him leave.

“I see I’ve struck a nerve.” Yohji noted.

“I hate you.” Schuldig answered calmly. “Well, if I’m so pathetic then what are you doing for Halloween?”

“I…have to work at the shop…after the shop closes…well whatever I end up doing will still be better than harassing the chibi!” Yohji argued.

A tense silence passed between them.

“I am getting my little safety carving knife, going home and carving a jack-o-lantern. Good day sir.” Yohji said stiffly.

“Good bye!” Schuldig called as Yohji turned and left. “Jack ass.” He muttered.

“Heard that! Great come back!” Yohji yelled back.

Schuldig angrily shook his fist at the retreating cowboy.

MEANWHILE

Farfarello had by this point abandoned subtlety entirely and was now searching the entire house, and doing nothing to hide his actions. Crawford observed silently from his bedroom, amused at Farfarello’s antics. There was no way he was going to find the candy this year. Crawford had gone through too much trouble hiding it.

Schuldig entered then, still disgruntled from his encounter with the gay cowboy. He headed towards the kitchen, deciding on cereal and cartoons to calm himself. He opened a cabinet and found Farfarello inside, digging through the various boxes and bags.

“Fruity pebbles?” Schuldig asked.

“All out.”

“Fruit Loops?”

Farfarello thrust the Fruit Loops at Schuldig and then slammed the cabinet door shut again. Unfazed, Schuldig made his way to the fridge, grabbed the milk, and then sat down on the couch with his faithful Looney Tunes DVD.

Crawford walked into the kitchen as Farfarello was climbing out of the cabinet. “You’re not going to find it. Stop wasting your time.”

“I won’t! It’s got to be in the kitchen, I’ve searched everywhere else too thoroughly!” Farfarello yelped, on the verge of hysteria.

Crawford shook his head sadly and then stood in front of the stove with his arms crossed to watch Farfarello.

“Oh, he’s in the stove eh?” Was heard from the TV in the living room.

Farfarello looked at Crawford, at the stove, then at the direction of the TV, then at the stove again.

“It’s not in this stove.” Crawford said.

“Oh, so it’s in the stove eh?” Farfarello asked.

“Farfarello, if the candy was in this stove, would I turn on the gas?” Crawford asked, not believing himself as he said it.

“You might Bradley, you might.” Farfarello assessed.

“Well would I throw this lightened match in the stove?” Crawford asked.

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t-wait, we have an electric stove!” Farfarello yelled, lunging at Crawford to get at the stove.

“Ow, you crazy asshole! It’s not in the stove! It’s not in the stove! Let go of my ankle! Stop biting me!”

Schuldig was very disturbed as he tried to drown them out by chewing loudly and cranking the volume.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

“Bye guys, I’m off to get Nagi for the Halloween party!” Omi said cheerfully, heading towards the door.

“Wait! Uh…why don’t I give you guys a ride?” Yohji offered.

“Why?” Omi asked.

“Er…good deed for the day?” Yohji said unconvincingly.

“Does this have anything to do with Schuldig?” Omi asked curiously.

“Why would it have anything to do with him?” Yohji snapped.

“Ooo…someone’s defensive. I don’t know. Why would you want to go out of your way to go to his house when you don’t have to?” Omi asked.

“To make sure you and Nagi make it to that dance safely! I met up with them yesterday at the store and he was trying to make Nagi put on a Snow White costume.” Yohji explained defensively.

“I don’t know if you wanna stalk me to another dance considering what happened last time, wait a minute-what happened to Piglet?” Omi asked.

“Sold out.” Yohji answered.

Omi frowned. “Fine. You can give us a ride then. Uh…can I ask you a favor?”

“What?” Yohji asked warily.

“Can you keep Schuldig distracted for the night? Not like that!” Omi put in quickly when Yohji looked very offended. “Just, I dunno, irritate him or something! Put a box of fruity pebbles on a fishing line or something. Keep him away from us. When he gets bored he picks at Nagi. That’s bad for dates.”

“I’ll do my best.” Yohji agreed. “Without fucking.”

“Right. Yohji?”

“What? What now?”

“Do you think I lisp with these fangs?” Omi asked worriedly.

“No. And you look fine. Nagi will think you’re hot. What are you, anyway?” Yohji asked.

“We’re going as Louis and Lestat. Despite the blondness I’m Louis. Nagi said I would make a terrible Lestat.”

MEANWHILE

Ditching strategy altogether, Farfarello decided that taking Crawford out would somehow lead to candy. Despite the fact that Crawford wasn’t impeding his search efforts in the slightest, what with the overconfidence and the oracle abilities.

Those oracle abilities were beginning to be a pain in the ass.

Crawford was walking up the stairwell with the mail, not paying much attention to his surroundings as he made his way up the narrow stairwell.

Farfarello had rigged up a bunch of heavy couch cushions at the top of the stairs, all set to fall when he pulled a rope that would release their bindings, at which point, at least according to his stick-figure blue print, they would topple onto and crush Crawford.

He pulled the rope, and nothing happened. They stayed exactly where they were. Frustrated, Farfarello began poking the cushions, then punching them. Crawford passed by, distracted by his credit card bills (and he was completely unaware he owned a Visa card), completely oblivious to his potential cushion-y doom. At this point Farfarello grabbed a stick and began stabbing the cushions.

He then realized what he was doing as he was standing just below the cushions. They chose that moment to fall and crush him.

Crawford walked back into the apartment and observed Schuldig on the sofa, from which point he hadn’t moved all morning. At least he was leaving Nagi alone, after that fiasco last Halloween.

Crawford passed through the kitchen, where he paused to read the paper and get himself a glass of juice. Farfarello had crept back inside and set up his second plan, which involved one of Schuldig’s speakers that he’d rigged up as a battering ram. He held the cord in one hand and waited.

There was a large red X of electrical tape in the center of the kitchen with the newspaper on top of it. Crawford walked over to it and picked up the newspaper, at which point Farfarello released the battering ram. Once he’d gotten the newspaper, Crawford continued to the kitchen table and the speaker whizzed by him.

Farfarello poked his head out in anger and indignation, when the speaker snapped back and caught him in the face.

Crawford made a quick scan on the headlines to make sure none of Schwartz was implicated in them, and then relocated to the living room to finish off the paper.

A minute later Farfarello dazedly entered the living room and stood in front of Schuldig, blocking his sight of the TV.

“Am I okay?” Farfarello asked. The downside of the not feeling pain thing was that he usually had to check to make sure he hadn’t caused himself a serious injury.

“Well you’ve got Sony imprinted on your forehead, but other than that you look fine. Wait, let me check your pupil…I think you might have a minor concussion.” Schuldig answered.

“Thanks.” Farfarello answered, leaving the room.

Pause.

“Crawford?”

“Mmm?”

“Do you think my life is pathetic?”

“…”

“Well?”

“…”

“Okay I’m getting insulted now!”

“I’m sorry, how should I answer that?”

“…”

“…”

“Well never mind then!”

“What brought this on?” Crawford asked. “And by the way, since when have you ever cared what anyone thought about you or the way you spend your free time? Granted things would be a lot more pleasant if you were more considerate of our feelings-”

“Oh shut up. Wait a minute…Farf! Why do you have Sony imprinted on your forehead!” Schuldig yelled, heading towards Farfarello’s room. He had to pass through the kitchen to get there. Where he found… “My speakers! You’re paying for those you psycho!”

“It was like that when I got there!” Farfarello yelled quickly. “I didn’t do it! You can’t prove anything! It was Crawford!”

They were cut off by a knock on the door. Crawford got up to answer it, when Nagi ran out of his room, through the kitchen and knocked Crawford over in his haste to get to the door first.

“I’m going now, leave me alone, don’t wait up, bye!” Nagi shouted, opening the door and darting into the hallway, walking straight into Omi in the process.

“Be in by eleven!” Crawford called after him.

“It’s Halloween…” Nagi whined.

“We said eleven last time.” Crawford noted.

“That was a school night though.” Farfarello interjected.
“It’s Sunday night.” Schuldig put in.

“When I was his age I was out way past eleven.” Farfarello said.

“And the streets were none the better for it. Eleven thirty.” Crawford said.

“Fine, he’ll be back by eleven thirty. We have to go now though, because Yohji’s waiting in the car.” Omi explained, tugging Nagi towards the elevator. The two made their escape, leaving the three remaining Schwarz alone in the apartment.

Schuldig sat very stiffly on the sofa for a moment, drumming his fingers on the arm rest. Crawford rolled his eyes expectantly, and then Schuldig dived off of the couch and ran out the door. He ran back in, ran into his room, and pulled on pants as he hobbled towards the door.

Crawford counted to five on his fingers.

Schuldig ran back in again, grabbed his car keys, and then made his final exit for the night.

“I’ve got it!” Farfarello exclaimed. Crawford waited. “You didn’t buy any candy!”

“No. Farfarello, I did buy candy.”

“Then you ate it.” Farfarello accused. “Just so I couldn’t have any, you ate it all!”

Crawford slapped a hand to his head. “No! Then how would I give it to the trick or treaters?”

“Children are like birds, they like it pre-digested.” Farfarello theorized.

Crawford mumbled to himself as he exited the apartment. It was getting close to sunset so he had to go fetch the candy anyway. He was surprised Farfarello made no move to follow him as he headed to the basement.

LATER THAT NIGHT

One of the perks of living in a very large apartment building was that trick or treaters rarely made the effort to climb the six sets of stairs to get to the Schwartz apartment, so the end of the night found Crawford and Farfarello sleeping in front of the TV, which was playing a Simpsons Halloween special marathon, surrounded by candy wrappers.

Nagi crept in quietly at two in the morning, tip toed past them and quietly made his way to his bedroom, where there was a note on his bed from Crawford with one line:

I saw that coming.

Scowling, Nagi threw the note out and headed towards the bathroom to scrub off his makeup. When he got back into his room, he headed towards his laptop to chat with Omi, and found it padlocked with a post-it on it reading:

Grounded.

And then there was Schuldig, who never did come in that night…

THE NEXT MORNING, AT THE KONEKO

“Dear God not again.”

“I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay.”

“Will you two shut up in there?!” Aya yelled from the hallway, unwilling to open the door. “Yohji get some pants on, you’re opening the shop with me this morning!”

THE END