“Is that what people really think of me?”

“That’s what Schuldig says.” Nagi answered with a shrug. “He also says I’m the perfect size for an armrest. I take what he says with a grain of salt.”

The boys were seated at a coffee shop in the food court of the local mall. They’d gone Christmas shopping together, and the previous conversation had started when Nagi cleverly dodged Omi’s question about what he wanted for Christmas.

Omi had a good sized armload of presents he’d bought for the rest of Weiss, the GSA at school, his teachers, Momoe, Manx, Persia, Schwarz, and then boxes of candy canes for the flower shop fan girls. Nagi was still struggling with figuring out who he was going to get presents for.

“Nagi-kun, you haven’t bought anything yet. Don’t you have anyone to shop for?” Omi asked with a frown.

“Well I can’t buy your present while you’re here.” Nagi answered.

“I mean anyone else? Come on. I bought presents for Schwarz, you’ve gotta get something for at least one of them.”

“I haven’t had a good year.” Nagi answered defensively. “Let’s reflect for a minute on the wonderful things they’ve done for me. Schuldig-”

“You know you did a lot of things to him too.” Omi noted.

“You’re defending him?” Nagi said in a low voice.

“Well, uh, yeah you did try to kill him a few times.” Omi said awkwardly. Nagi’s glare didn’t waver. “Fine, Schuldig’s a bastard. But what about the others? Farf’s a little criminally insane but he’s still got a good he-he, well he’s still a good…he’s adorable. And Crawford…needs a hobby. Get him one of those rug making kits. Less blood and twice the fun!”

“They’re probably not even getting me anything anyway.” Nagi near-pouted. “Why should I go through the trouble of lugging something home?”

“You’re telekinetic! You don’t have to lug! And anyway, it’s Christmas!” Omi whined.

“Tell that to Farf.”

“Nagi-kun…” Omi whined. “Here, I’ll help you. Let’s think of something to buy Sc-Fa-Crawford. Let’s start with Crawford.”

“Well what’d you get him?” Nagi asked curiously.

“I don’t have it with me. Crawford’s present is in my room, which you’re not allowed to go in.” Omi explained.

“I know, I know. Your roommates threatened me about that already.” Nagi answered.

“No, I meant because it’s full of Christmas presents.” Pause. “They threatened you?”

“Yes. I find it hilarious as well.” Nagi answered, thinking about how little damage the Weiss could actually cause him if they were trying.

“Well…it doesn’t matter what I get them, what matters is what you get them!” Omi insisted. “Can’t you think of anything Nagi-kun?”

“Gift cards?” Nagi suggested lamely.

“You can’t get gift cards! They’re so impersonal.” Omi thought for a minute. “Schuldig should be easy to shop for. Think about his hobbies.”

“I could get him a cattle prod to zap me with!” Nagi suggested brightly. Omi frowned.

“He’s a couch potato. You could get him a movie or something.”

“He has everything he wants already. Every Tuesday he shows up at the mall for new DVD day and buys anything he’s interested in. And sometimes things he’s not if Crawford’s been picking at him that week.” Nagi paused. “I could destroy something dear to him and then replace it as a present.”

Omi buried his face in his hands, counted to ten and then looked up again with his usual perky smile. “That…might not be the best idea Nagi-kun…but good thinking! Okay, well…okay for Schuldig you can just jump in on my present. Give me some money and I’ll put your name on the card.”

“What did you get him?” Nagi asked, handing over some money.

“I got him a concert ticket. Incidentally I got Yohji-kun a concert ticket for the seat next to his.”

“That is so conniving. And it will make Schuldig miserable. I approve wholeheartedly.” Nagi said with an evil grin.

“Do you really think it will make Schu-Schu-kun miserable? I can still return it and get him a better gift-”

“No! It was a joke, he’ll love it. It’s perfect. He loves gay cowboys.” Nagi answered, trying not to laugh.

“I just figured it would be cute to send them on a date.” Omi explained. “But neither of them would be willing to go on a date, so I’m sort of forcing them to go.”

“There’s a slight flaw in your plan. What band are they seeing? I don’t think there’s anyway to get them to both go to the same concert without them knowing about the other one.” Nagi said.

Omi flashed the puppy dog eyes as demonstration. Then he smiled a pretty evil smile for Omi. “Besides, I got the tickets with Schuldig in mind. Yohji’ll figure it out. It’s cute, he’s really got a crush on him so he’ll want to go and be glad for the excuse.”

“How can anyone have a crush on Schuldig?”

“I don’t know, but I support it.”

Nagi considered. “The head injury. He had to have gotten a head injury when he got plowed by that ambulance. Or maybe it was the morphine overdose. Maybe he’s brain dead.”

“Well whatever the explanation, people tend to be easier to get along with when they’re in love, so maybe if my evil plan works Schuldig won’t be so miserable and he won’t devote so much of his time to making you miserable.” Omi said, explaining the rest of his plan. “So then Yohji will be distracted, Aya’s always distracted and Ken…is Ken. So therefore, we can spend time together at my house without interruption.”

“Devious. We need to hook those guys up. Whether they like it or not.” Nagi decided firmly.

ELSEWHERE

“That eggnog was supposed to last until next week at least.” Crawford snapped.

Schuldig and Farfarello were lounging in the living room with four empty cartons of eggnog between them.

“Nagi did it.” Farfarello said distractedly, eye glued to the television.

“You’re going to have to slow down on the holiday festivities. No one wants to hire pudgy assassins.” Crawford said, kicking aside a few cartons to get to the couch.

“I am not pudgy! I am a well honed machine of death. Can you pass the sugar cookies? They’re right next to you.” Farfarello asked pleasantly.

“So what are you watching anyway?” Crawford asked, curious as to what sort of holiday program they could be viewing with Farfarello in his present state. Typical holiday programming made him sulky, to say the least. He’d liked holiday specials for awhile, but then he’d realized that Christmas was always saved by the end so he’d made a habit of shutting them off partway through.

“A Christmas Story.” Schuldig answered. “It’s not about Jesus, it’s about greed and childhood misery. So it stays.”

Crawford kicked another empty carton angrily. “You know, I was hoping that I would be able to enjoy some eggnog when I picked it up.”

“There’s some left in the bottom of this one. Or you can cut open the carton and lick the sides.” Schuldig suggested.

“I’d cut it open for you but I don’t have any knives.” Farfarello put in with a false smile.

Crawford glared.

“If you give me your credit card I can go to the store and fetch some after the movie.” Schuldig suggested.

“And three seasons of cartoons no one will watch but you.” Crawford near-growled.

“Well maybe if you split the funds between all of us instead of hording them-”

“We all know none of you can manage finances for shit! If it wasn’t for me Nagi wouldn’t have a college fund.” Crawford said.

“Nagi has a college fund?” Schuldig asked. “You didn’t make college funds for either of us. That’s not very considerate. Farf could be a freshman.”

“What college could I possibly send Farfarello to?” Crawford asked mockingly.

“Hey!” Farf exclaimed.

“Brown. That place is full of nut jobs.” Schuldig suggested.

“Hey!” Farfarello exclaimed louder, tossing an eggnog carton at Schuldig’s head. “I’m sitting right here.”

“We’re not even supposed to be on this! This is about you drinking all of the fucking eggnog!”

“Is it really about that? Or are you just making it about that? Go ahead Bradley, vent all of your rage on poor innocent little Schuldig, I can take it.” Schuldig said with a sniffle for effect.

“No! This is about eggnog and you being a glutton!”

“Ooo…drama.”

“Shut up Farf!” Both of them shouted.

“It’s not my fault you couldn’t find a better hiding place for the eggnog than the kitchen fridge.” Schuldig said.

“I bought four gallons of it! I should have gotten at least a glass!”

“An Assassin’s Christmas, brought to you by WE, television for women.”

“SHUT UP FARF!!” The screamed again.

“What’s your obsession with eggnog anyway? Are you on your guy-period? This is bothering you a lot more than stuff usually does.” Schuldig noted.

Crawford took a deep, calming breath. The real problem was his credit card had gotten cut earlier that morning when he was shopping for presents, and with the long line behind him he’d almost been lynched. He wasn’t doing too well, as managing finances for a group like Schwarz was stressful enough, let alone adding the holiday season into it. They needed more work.

So it really wasn’t about the eggnog and he really was just venting. Although a glass would have made him feel a lot better. Just one fucking glass.

“Listen you pudgy bastard-”

“I may be a bastard, but I’m not pudgy!” Schuldig shouted back.

“I got some pudge right here.” Farfarello said, grabbing at Schuldig’s belly.

“That’s not pudge, that’s skin! Get your hands off me!” Schuldig snapped.

“I got some over here too! Pudgy-pudgy-pudgy!” Farfarello said, trailing into giggles.

Nagi had opened the door at that point. He seemed shocked and disturbed for about a second. Then his coping mechanism kicked in and he walked past them to get to his room. He paused at the doorway. “What…?”

“I’m guessing the sugar from four gallons of eggnog kicked in.” Crawford noted, as now Farfarello was giggling madly rolling around on the living room carpet and Schuldig’s leg was shaking.

Crawford sighed, then began the search for his winter coat. “I give up. I’m going. Don’t destroy anything while I’m gone.”

“Where are you going Fearless Leader?” Schuldig asked, now poking Farf’s sides to make him giggle more.

“I’m gonna pee! Stop it!” Farfarello pleaded.

“Out.” Crawford answered, slamming the door behind him.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

“I can’t take this anymore! I’m gonna snap and kill them all.” Crawford said miserably. “I’m supposed to be the sane one for them and one man cannot possibly be sane enough to stabilize them.”

Aya nodded understandingly. “You always make me feel so much better about my position as team leader of Weiss. Every time I consider the possibility of someone finding Ken’s dead body shoved in the freezer of a backwards diner thirty miles from here, I manage to chase away the pleasant fantasies with just three minutes of what it would be like to have your job.”

“You’ve been complaining about Hidaka a lot lately.” Crawford noted.

“We’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about how to keep you from killing your team. Maybe a vacation-”

“Leaving them by themselves.” Crawford shot down.

“You could take them-”

“Where? They cause enough damage under the guise of work, let alone a vacation.”

“True. But…you left them alone just now, didn’t you?” Aya noted.

“Nothing’s on the news right now so I’m staying. At any rate Schuldig and Farfarello aren’t at their most dangerous anyway.” Crawford said bitterly. Aya shot a questioning look. “They’re on a four gallon of eggnog sugar high.”

“Didn’t you just buy that?” Aya asked.

“I know! And I didn’t even get a glass!”

“That’s not right.” Aya said with a frown. “There’s some respect for you.”

“Tell me about it.” Crawford replied.

“Look, I’ve got some eggnog back at the Koneko if you want a glass.”

“It’s not even about the eggnog.” Crawford whined. “It’s that they didn’t even think about saving me a glass after maxing out my credit card and draining my bank account.”

“Oh God.”

“And there was a huge line behind me! I was buying their Christmas presents!”

“What did you do?” Aya asked, looking horrified.

“I threatened the cashier’s life. And then she cut my card!”

“Didn’t you ask for the manager?”

“She was the manager.” Crawford answered.

“So…you don’t want eggnog?”

“No, I never said that. I’ll take your eggnog.”

Lil' Later

Aya and Crawford entered the Weiss house through the side door that lead to the kitchen. They were met with the sight of the refrigerator door open and a trail of empty eggnog cartons leading to the living room. The assassins growled, and then stalked over to the living room.

“Are you sure this is safe Yohji?” Ken asked, snickering.

“You’ll be fine.” Yohji answered reassuringly, a sugar-high goofy grin on his face.

“I don’t know, the tinsel is starting to chafe.” Ken answered.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?! I LEFT YOU HERE TO DECORATE THE TREE?! WHERE’S THE BLOODY TREE?!” Aya screamed.

“We came up with a moneysaving idea Aya.” Yohji said. “Christmas trees are a lot these days, so we decided to just decorate Ken instead.”

“Don’t I look pretty?” Ken asked. He was covered in multicolored lights, tinsel, popcorn garland and glass ornaments. He had a pine branch in each hand. “Plug me in Yohji, plug me in!”

“Don’t plug him in.” Aya growled. “I gave you the money for the tree.”

“Yes, but see then we ran out of eggnog and we needed to buy more.” Yohji explained. “A cop pulled me over and breathilized me. Then he needed a urine sample for some reason. It was weird. But I passed.”

“So. Is there any eggnog left?” Aya asked.

“No. We drank it all!” Ken answered, bouncing up and down.

“Plug him in.” Aya said.

“What about the camera A-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!” Ken wailed as the tinsel melted against the hot, old, and ill cared for Christmas lights. A few of the glass ornaments popped.

“Now that’s a beautiful sight.” Crawford commented, while Aya searched out the phone to call 911.

MEANWHILE

“Okay Omi, the coast is clear!” Nagi hissed.

“Nagi-kun…I don’t think this is such a good idea!” Omi whined. “I think someone might notice me scaling the wall of the apartment.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m going to float you up here.”

“But Nagi-kun, I have a problem with hei-EIGHTS!!” Omi squeaked as he was floated into the air. “Nagi, NAGI!! STOPPIT!!”

“They’ll notice if you keep screaming!” Nagi called down.

“I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die-” Omi whimpered.

“You’re breaking my concentration.” Nagi threatened. Omi stilled and went silent, but his eyes were wide and traumatized looking as he was floated to Nagi’s bedroom window. Nagi helped him inside and shut the window. “That wasn’t so bad, now was it?” Nagi asked comfortingly.

Omi opened his mouth and nothing came out for a second, and then he wailed and sat down very rapidly.

“We’re never doing that again! We’ll just go to my room next time. I’ll move the presents somewhere else.” Omi whimpered.

“Okay, calm yourself down, I’ll be right back.” Nagi said quietly. He edged out into the living room, where Farfarello and Schuldig were still seated in front of the TV, coming down from their sugar high.

“How are you still watching A Christmas Story?” Nagi asked curiously.

“By tinkering with our satellite TV we got American channels. One of the channels runs this movie on repeat for twenty four hours.” Schuldig answered.

“Don’t change the subject Schu! It’s impossible.”

“Dude! It’s totally possible! There have been cases-”

“I’ve never seen any!” Farfarello objected.

“It’s a conspiracy, the government covers them up.”

“That’s your answer for everything! I don’t believe you anymore!” Farfarello argued.

“What are you guys talking about?” Nagi asked.

“Okay, that kid Flick gets his tongue stuck to a pole in the movie, and I say it’s totally possible and Farf is being a dumbass.” Schuldig explained.

“I am not! You can’t get your tongue stuck like that! You’d just warm up the frozen part with saliva and it would come off! Only a dumbass like you would get stuck!” Farfarello insisted.

“Well why don’t you guys test it?” Nagi asked.

“There aren’t any poles nearby. Everything’s made of wood.” Farf explained. “And after I got a splinter stuck in my tongue we gave up on it.”

“There are train tracks behind the house.” Nagi informed them.

“Alright…but I’m bringing a camera for proof.” Schuldig said.

ELSEWHERE

Aya and Crawford were at the express lane of the supermarket when a vision came to Crawford that made him drop the gallon of vanilla eggnog he was holding. “Oh God. Ran, I’ve gotta go.”

“See you around Brad.”

SKIPPY SKIPPY

“For the love of all things decent STOP!!” Crawford screamed, running as fast as he could towards the train tracks.

Schuldig was on his knees in front of it leaning over with his tongue out. He looked up at Crawford’s arrival. Farfarello pushed him forward, and he shot out his hands to stop him as a reflexive reaction.

“Keep your tongue in your mouth!” Crawford yelled. “This is an active train track!”

“We knew that. We’re not dumb. Farf brought a train schedule.” Schuldig explained.

Then they heard a train whistle.

Schuldig jumped away from the tracks. “Are you trying to kill me?!” Schuldig shrieked at Farfarello.

“No, because it wouldn’t have gotten stuck!” Farf insisted. “Besides, I checked the schedule.”

“Then what is that train doing there!?” Schuldig demanded.

“Obviously it’s either very early. Or very late.”

“This schedule is three years old.” Crawford said, thrusting the schedule back at Farfarello.

“You mean they change them?” Farf asked.

“In the house! Now! Morons!” Crawford yelled.

“You don’t have to yell-”

“MOVE!!!”

FIVE MINUTES LATER

“Off the couch! Now!”

“I told you it wouldn’t work Nagi-kun.”

“Can you pass me my pants Brad?”