“Do I need to get a leash for you?” Crawford snapped.

“Sure, if you want to tether yourself to me be my guest.” Farfarello said brightly. Crawford scowled, then went inside to buy milk.

Schuldig and Farfarello lingered by the metal railing for a moment longer, before he yanked them into the store after him.

While Crawford was paying, Schuldig and Farfarello stood by the Icee machine. “D’ya think the Icee machine is cold enough?” Farf asked.

“It’s plastic. It doesn’t matter if it’s cold enough.” Schuldig said flatly.

“But it has Icee inside so it has to be cold enough!” Farfarello insisted.

“But it’s plastic!”

“That’s not plastic, that’s metal.” Farf argued. “It’s just painted.”

“It’s painted plastic then. Look, it’s warm.” Schuldig said, patting the machine with his hand.

“I think we should try it anyway.” Farfarello said.

“It’s not gonna work. Because it’s plastic.” Schuldig said flatly.

“It’s not gonna work because it wouldn’t work!” Farf shot back, then licked the machine.

“Do I have to watch you every second?!” Crawford yelled, while the cashier gaped at them, then reached for the disinfectant spray.

Farf’s tongue slid right off.

“We need further testing.” Schuldig snapped.

“It didn’t work.” Farfarello beamed.

“Because it was plastic.”

“No, because it doesn’t work!” Farfarello yelled.

Crawford disinfected the machine for the cashier and then turned to Farf. “Open your mouth.”

“Why-eeeehh!” Farfarello started swiping at his tongue. Crawford had sprayed the disinfectant in his mouth. “Tha’ suff’s gwoss! Leechh!”

“Serves you right. Let’s go home. And don’t lick the railing Schuldig!”

MEANWHILE

Nagi trudged up to the door to the Koneko and timidly knocked. Aya opened the door. “Hello-”

SLAM.

Nagi frowned, then tried again.

“I’m turning on the sprinklers!” Aya shouted from the other side of the door.

“It’s winter!”

“Then I suggest you move, because the water is going to be damned cold.” Aya responded.

“Come on, I need to apologize to-Aaaaaaahhh!” Nagi yelped as he was sprayed with frigid water.

“Aya? What the hell are you doing?” Yohji asked curiously. Aya was standing by the blinds, holding them open with a few fingers wide enough for him to see, one hand playing with the controls for the sprinkler system.

“Watering the lawn.” Aya answered casually.

“It’s December. You know that, right?” Yohji asked.

“I know.”

“Why is the lawn screaming?” Yohji asked.

Aya let go of the blinds and regarded Yohji. “It’s December. The water’s cold.” Aya answered, as though Yohji were very dumb.

Yohji opened the blinds and observed Nagi running away from one sprinkler and into another as it turned on. Aya was now smirking as he pressed the buttons.

“You are sick!” Yohji yelled. He slapped Aya’s hand away from the buttons and opened the door.

He ran over to where Nagi was standing, huddled over and shaking, staring up at Omi’s window. “Omi! O-Omi I’m s-s-sorry!”

“C’mon, get inside, you’re gonna freeze.” Yohji said, trying to pull Nagi towards the Koneko. He pulled off his jacket and wrapped it around Nagi’s shoulders.

“O-omi!! I’m s-sorry! Talk to me!” Nagi yelled at the window.

“Kid, you can talk to him inside.” Yohji said, still pulling uselessly at his arm.

And then the sprinklers turned on again.

“Aya! Aya this isn’t funny!” Yohji yelled. He was standing in ankle deep snow, now without a jacket and drenched. He managed to pry Nagi to the door and turned the knob, rather uselessly as it was locked. “Aya you bastard! Unl-lock th-the door!” Yohji’s teeth were chattering.

Aya looked at them out the window, smirked, and then closed the blinds. Now all of the sprinklers were going.

“Aya? Aya?” Yohji was peering between one of the blinds. “I c-can k-kinda see hi-his back…Aya? It’s going up th-the stairs…Aya! AYA!! Th-the joke isn’t funny, IT’S NOT FUNNY!!”

ELSEWHERE

“That’s hilarious! If only we had a sprinkler system. Or a lawn.” Crawford said wistfully. “Hang on Ran, someone’s at the door.” He put the phone down and opened the door.

Yohji and Nagi were at the door, still sopping wet, and somewhat blue. Nagi was talking softly, still muttering to an imaginary Omi about the Christmas present fiasco.

“I came to return this.” Yohji said.

“Alright.” Crawford grabbed Nagi’s arm and pulled him into the apartment. He was about to shut the door, when Yohji edged in.

“I was also wondering if I could warm up? I’ve been locked out.”

“Fine. Schuldig’s over…Sch-Schuldig?” Crawford ran over to the window and leaned out of it. “Dammit Schuldig! Stoppit! FARF!!” He pulled off a shoe and tossed it.

“Ow! That’s just rude!” Schuldig’s voice was heard, very faintly.

Yohji was scowling from the doorway. “I’m not here to see Schuldig. I just want to get warm.”

“Schu! Your fuck buddy’s here!” Crawford called.

“We’re not fuck buddies!” Both of them yelled.

“Denial in stereo.” Crawford muttered.

“At least I get some!” Schuldig yelled to him.

Crawford shut the window and grabbed the phone. “Ran? Yeah…wait one minute.” He put the phone down, opened the window and called outside again. “Hey! Bring my shoe up with you!”

“Farf’s got it!” Schuldig answered.

“Well then tell Farf to-oh. Bring what’s left back!” Crawford shut the window again and picked up the phone. “They’re still trying to stick their tongues to things. I know. No, I think it’s just a phase. (Pause) I don’t think it works. Yeah, it’s all crap. (Pause) Well have you ever seen it happen?”

Yohji stood awkwardly by the door.

“Farf leggo! Stop growling, you’re not a dog!” Schuldig’s voice could be heard from the hallway. The door opened, and Schuldig and Farfarello entered, Schuldig trying to pry Crawford’s shoe from Farf’s mouth. Schuldig was pulling really hard, so of course Farfarello let go and he went flying backwards and landed on the ground.

“Ow! My back!” Schuldig groaned. Farfarello smiled evilly, then retreated to his room.

“You wanted to see me?” Schuldig asked from the ground.

“Not really, I was just cold. Can I use your shower?” Yohji asked. He was still shaking from the frozen water, and a hot shower sounded good.

Schuldig scowled. “Use your own damn shower.”

“I’m locked out.”

“Well I suppose you’ll want me to dry your clothes off for you too?” He snapped sarcastically.

“That’d be great, thanks.” Yohji said, pulling off his wet shirt and tossing it onto Schuldig. “Linen closet’s this one, right?” Schuldig gaped at him, feeling angry, awkward and slightly turned on. He fixed a glare on Yohji and laid on the ground, trying to figure out how to stand up without hurting his back.

“You know you’re glaring at nothing. He’s in the shower now.” Crawford said.

“Shut up.“ Schuldig muttered.

“Good come back.“

“You shut up!“ He yelled, then carefully stood up, attempting to avoid further damage to his back. He took a step forward, then tripped on Yohji’s shirt and fell back onto the floor.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaahh!” He wailed. “My back!”

MEANWHILE

Omi trudged down the stairs and stared out the window. “Why are the sprinklers on?”

Ken shrugged. “I thought the snow would provide enough water for the grass. I guess Aya didn’t think so. Have you seen Yohji? He skipped out on his chores again.”

“No. Well I’m just gonna shut off the sprinklers then. Don’t wanna over water the snow.” Omi flicked the switch, picked up a Hello Kitty tote bag and began the journey to the Schwarz apartment.

ELSEWHERE

“Are you just gonna lay there wailing while your boyfriend is here?” Farfarello asked pleasantly.

Schuldig was on the couch with ice on his back, glaring at Farfarello. At the comment he jumped up to strangle him, strained his back and fell back onto the couch grimacing in pain. Farf laughed at him. He reached out a hand in an attempt to even poke Farfarello. Said psychopath was sitting just barely out of his reach, grinning.

“So you are just gonna lay there while your fuck friend is over.” Farfarello clarified, and then leaned back slightly so that Schuldig missed him again and hurt his back even more.

“Stop teasing him Farfarello. Go do something useful like changing his ice pack.” Crawford snapped. “You enjoyed torturing small animals when you were little, didn’t you?”

“What do you mean by that?” Farfarello asked. He was now poking Schuldig’s head, and Schuldig was desperately reaching for him and grimacing.

Meanwhile, Yohji was having a bit of a problem. His clothes were still cold and wet and he didn’t want to put them back on. Similarly, he didn’t want to stand around in his pseudo-enemies’ house nekkid in a towel. He stared at the unappealing freezing wet garments for a second longer, before edging warily out of the bathroom and making a run for Schuldig’s room.

He kicked the door closed, relieved no one had seen him, and then began the search for a light switch since it was completely dark. “Clap on…” He said lamely, clapping, but it wasn’t a clapper. Then the lights flicked on and he jumped, startled. They’d been turned on by a tentacle.

He looked around at the most filthy compost heap/bedroom he’d ever seen. “Get a hold of yourself Kudoh, you’ve been in dirtier hotel rooms than this. You can handle this.” He pep talked himself. But the hotel rooms had never grown sentient life before.

Squish.

“Oh God I hope that’s the carpet!” He squeaked.

He looked around the room, but he couldn’t tell what clothing was clean and what wasn’t. He picked up a tee shirt and it blinked at him. He dropped it, and jumped back, startled.

The tee shirt looked offended.

“Sorry.” Yohji said in a small voice.

Then Lampy approached him. “What are you doing here?” It asked.

“Pardon?” Yohji asked, as Lampy was once again not speaking Japanese. “I don’t speak…that.”

“I don’t speak Japanese.” Lampy responded. Yohji blinked at him, having completely missed that.

“Parlez-vous Francais?(Do you speak French? -A/N)” Yohji asked stupidly.

Yes, it’s our native language. (translated from French - A/N)

Wait. Schuldig, the German, living in Japan, spawned French speaking monsters? Yohji asked. Lampy shrugged, rather, shrugged as much as he was able to with his interesting physique.

Well we did learn German from him…but we’ve been lazy about the Japanese. Frederick pilfered this Rapanese tape though, it’s damned annoying.

What the hell is Rapanese? Yohji asked, now completely lost.

Wait, why did you break into our home? Lampy snapped back, trying to stay on the more important topic.

I didn’t break in, I’m a guest. And I’m looking for clothes because mine are cold and wet. Is there anything dry and clean in here? Yohji asked.

Lampy considered for a moment. He wasn’t sure he trusted this new intruder. After all, the last stranger had tied ribbons all over him after poisoning his home and food supply with Oust. But this new stranger was naked and vulnerable and Lampy couldn’t imagine where he would possible be hiding Oust, so he decided to help him on his way.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

“Where are the others?” Yohji asked, emerging from Schuldig’s room in a grubby t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Crawford was wrapping presents in the living room.

“I sent Nagi out for eggnog and Schuldig and Farfarello out for a Christmas tree.” Crawford explained.

“Are you sure that was such a good idea?” Yohji asked.

“I’m fully aware of the misdemeanor Farfarello and Schuldig will commit, thank you, I just don’t particularly care. It’s Christmas Eve, we need a tree and they will return with a decent tree. That’s all I care about.” Crawford mumbled.

“Well…I guess I’ll get going then.” Yohji said awkwardly, edging towards the door. He opened it up just as Omi was about to knock. They both blinked confusedly, then Omi broke out into a wide grin.

“Why hello Yohji-kun. Interesting seeing you here. Isn’t that shirt Schuldig-kun’s?” Omi asked pleasantly. Yohji scowled.

“I was just leaving, actually. Anyway, Nagi’s not home. He’s eggnog shopping.” Yohji snapped.

“It’s okay, I’m not here to see him. I’m still mad at him. I just wanted to drop off my presents.” Omi near-pouted. He had a sack in one hand and a large-ish box under his other arm.

“The idiots aren’t here either.” Crawford informed him. “They’re getting a tree.”

“I thought I saw Schuldig and Farfarello on the highway with a chainsaw-” Omi started.

“I know already! I don’t care!” Crawford exclaimed. “What’s all that?”

“Presents!” Omi squeaked happily. He dropped the sack and handed Crawford the box. “This one’s for you! Open it, open it!”

Crawford looked genuinely surprised. Yohji had a smug smile.

“I take it you didn’t see this one coming then?” Yohji asked.

“I…totally did…I have a present. Really.” Crawford lied, fairly obviously. He got up and ran into his room, and emerged a few minutes later. “It’s just not wrapped.”

He handed Omi a baseball. Omi stared at it for a minute. “Thank you?”

“It’s a Fenway foul ball.” Crawford explained.

“Oh!” Suddenly the gift seemed to have more personal meaning. Little did Omi know Crawford had about twenty of them lying around his room and the basement. Omi didn’t really have a grasp of what Fenway was, but he assumed it had something to do with the Red Sox based on the scary basement room/shrine.

“Okay, now open yours!” Omi squeaked excitedly, pushing him towards the present.

Crawford started unwrapping the largish box when it squeaked. He looked startled, and then he recognized that squeak. His eyes widened, and he unwrapped in a frenzy to find a Habitrail with a tiny dwarf hamster inside. The dwarf hamster had a little bow on top of its head and a card that said ‘Merry X-Mas’ on it. Crawford’s eyes began to water.

“This is the greatest present I’ve ever gotten.” He whispered, reaching inside to pick up the hamster.

“Nagi told me about Mr. Bubbles, so I thought you’d like another hamster.” Omi said happily. “I guess I’ll just leave Farfarello and Schuldig’s presents with you then?”

“Hello there little hamster. Hello.” Crawford cooed, petting the little animal.

“Alright then. Bye.” Omi said.

Crawford ignored him, now having the hamster run off one of his hands and onto the other.

While leaving the apartment, Omi and Yohji bumped into Farfarello and Schuldig in the elevator. They were struggling with a rather large looking tree, Farfarello trying to look innocent while holding a chainsaw. They nodded politely at each other. When the elevator reached Omi and Yohji’s floor and it dinged, a bird flew out of the tree and started flapping wildly around the elevator.

“Happy holidays.” Schuldig said, trying to ignore the frightened bird.

“See you later.” Yohji answered.