“I second it.” Nagi said.

“I’m opposed!” Farfarello put in, glancing at the large ball of tangled lights and garland.

“All in favor say aye.” Schuldig announced.

“Aye.” Schuldig, Crawford and Nagi said.

“Nay!” Farfarello snapped.

“Three against one.” Schuldig announced.

“Well I nominate Schuldig to untangle the lights and the garland.” Farfarello said smugly.

“I second it.” Nagi announced.

“All in favor say aye.” Crawford announced, and three ayes and a nay were heard. Grumbling under his breath, Schuldig walked over to the box that held the lights and garland. He picked up a strand of lights and pulled, and the lights and garland came out, retaining the shape of the box. He growled low in his throat.

MEANWHILE

Across town the Weiss boys were exchanging presents.

Omi frowned as Aya tossed each of them mall gift cards, but Ken and Yohji seemed happy enough.

“C’mon Omi, can you imagine Aya attempting to purchase us thoughtful gifts? It’s a slight improvement from last year.” Yohji pointed out.

“I guess you’ve got a point.” Omi replied. Last year Aya had gifted them with supplies he blatantly wanted for his porshe, and as neither Omi or Ken owned a car, his evil plan had worked. The plan had backfired on Yohji, however, who owned a car and kept the stereo for himself.

“Open my presents next!” Ken enthused, handing out gifts wrapped in newspaper. Omi frowned again, getting the feeling no one really shared his Christmas spirit. His presents had for the most part been purchased in advance, had a measure of thought put into them and been wrapped very nicely.

Aya ripped the paper to find a pair of fuzzy dice. He made no effort to hide his disgust. “What the hell is this?”

“Well it’s cause you know, you like your car so I thought I’d get something for your car.” Ken explained proudly.

“Did you get these from the thrift store?” Aya demanded.

“Aya-kun, it’s not the price, it’s the thought.” Omi scolded.

“Price can be an indication of thought. I’m not using these. They’re ugly and tacky. They’d probably look decent in the seven though.” Aya said with a sneer.

“Hey! I have plenty of taste, thank you very much.” Yohji said in an offended manner, straightening his snake-skin cowboy hat. “Besides, you can’t give away a present.” He then ate a heaping of crow when he opened his present from Ken and got a cap gun. “You really did do your shopping from the thrift store, didn’t you?”

“Price is not an indication of thought!” Omi argued, trying to ignore a nervous feeling in his tummy. With his luck he was getting one of the thrift store teddy bears that burst a seam if you tried to hug it. He peeled back the newspaper and let out a squeal of joy. He ripped the rest of it off to reveal a brand spanking new copy of Candyland. “I love this game! Thank you Ken-kun!”

“Yohji, why’d you get me a helmet? I already have one for my motorcycle.” Ken asked.

Yohji shrugged. “Indoor use?” Ken looked mildly offended.

“I don’t think I’m klutzy enough to need a helmet.” Ken had barely finished the sentence before the rest of them snorted or started coughing to cover laughter. He glared at the others. “I’m really not that bad!”

“Well…I don’t know how much the helmet would’ve helped when you got your head stuck in Momoe’s cat’s door.” Aya noted.

“Or when you ate all the poinsettia leaves and had to get your stomach pumped.” Yohji added.

“Is that what happened? I must have been away for that one.” Omi said with a frown.

“Yeah, last year when you were on that away trip with school. Ken and Aya got into a fight and Aya told him to go eat a bunch of poinsettia leaves. And he did. So we decided not to order them anymore as a precaution.” Yohji explained.

“Look, having my stomach pumped was enough of a lesson. You really don’t have to worry about me doing that again.” Ken said bitterly. “Ooo, shiny!” He had opened Omi’s present, a set of streamers to put on his motorcycle handles. Those actually had been purchased from the thrift store since Omi was still feeling bitter about being dumped. It did not please him that Ken liked the present.

“You know they’ll probably fall off on your first ride. When you hit the wind.” Omi muttered bitterly.

“But they’re pretty…” Ken trailed off happily.

“They’ll distract you and you’ll crash and die.” Omi added.

“Then it’s a good thing I’ve got two helmets!” Ken said brightly.

Next Yohji tossed Omi and Aya their presents, which he hadn’t bothered to wrap at all, earning a frustrated sigh from Omi.

“Seat covers…these are ugly too.” Aya noted. They were black and slightly bulky. “I’m not putting them in my car.”

“They massage.” Yohji said suggestively.

Aya seemed very conflicted about that.

“Ooo! Thank you Yohji-kun!” Omi squeaked happily, hugging a hideous neon and sparkly sweater that only they, with their hideous taste in clothing, would enjoy.
And the last two gifts opened were a scrapbook for Aya from Omi (Aya deemed it worthy of a later look through, possibly a future as a coaster), and Yohji’s concert ticket from Omi.

Omi watched Yohji carefully to see if he had caught onto the devious-devious plan, but all that registered was confusion over the band choice before Manx interrupted them with a last minute mission.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

“Why the fuck do we have to do a fucking job on Christmas fucking Eve?” Schuldig complained, obviously pissy based on the amount of expletives used.

“Because we’re poor and Esset will have us killed if we don’t become slightly more useful. Besides, since when have you found the birth of Jesus Christ worth celebrating?” Crawford snapped, pissy himself.

“Christmas has no religious value whatsoever. I mean c’mon, Farf celebrates it!” Schuldig exclaimed, annoyed. “And I really don’t wanna be picking up after Taka-fucking-tori’s damn brats on Christmas Eve. I wanna watch holiday movie marathons, eat junk food until I puke and open presents.”

The two were standing in the sterile looking corridor of yet another random business building connected to Takatori-jr.’s medical mutations fetish. Their job was to destroy some data that, should it wind up in the hands of the authorities or worse, the media, fuck over their employer. Nagi was inside an office wiping the data, and sending out a couple of viruses just to be a total pain the ass since they didn’t really like Takatori and resented being sent out with little warning on Christmas Eve.

Farfarello, the only one who’d actually wanted to come and hopefully find an excuse to kill things, either that or slip off and find himself a church or convent, was stuck at home putting the garland and lights on the tree so they could put on the tinsel and ornaments as soon as they were done with the job.

Meanwhile downstairs, the Weiss boys were entering the same office building, grumbling under their breath about working on Christmas Eve, but doing it anyway since Manx had threatened their Christmas bonuses. Their job was to retrieve some computer data on some random dark beast that, unbeknownst to them, their boss the police chief rather wanted.

So of course they ended up practically walking into Crawford and Schuldig.

“Oh crap. You’re not here for the data too, are you?” Aya asked.

“Finished.” Nagi announced, walking out of the office, while Schuldig and Crawford pulled out their guns.

“You wiped the computers of the mutation data, didn’t you?” Omi asked.

“And then some.” Nagi answered with an evil smile.

“Well I guess this means we can go home.” Yohji said awkwardly. “I mean, unless you guys, y’know, wanna do battle?”

“It kinda feels like we should…” Nagi’s voice trailed off.

Schuldig toyed with his gun. “Thanks for the Christmas present Omi. Looks like a cool concert.”

“You’re welcome Schuldig-kun!” Omi chirped.

“Yeah, this isn’t working for me.” Crawford started walking off.

Aya turned the other way, going for the stairs, and the two assassin groups went their separate ways.

They met up again in the parking lot.

“Is that…?” Yohji’s voice trailed off. He’d caught sight of Farfarello running towards them.

“Did I miss the killing?” Farf asked between pants. “I finished the garland and the lights! Can I stab things now?”

“You’re too late, we’re going home.” Crawford snapped.

Farf’s face fell.

And then it happened.

Aya tripped on his coat while walking to the porshe and fell forward. He threw out his hands to keep himself from landing on his face, one of them clutching his katana. His mouth opened in surprise as he fell and connected with the katana. It was cold out.

It was very cold out.

…

Aya’s tongue got stuck to his katana.

“Ha! Ha ha ha HA!! I fucking told you it worked!” Schuldig exclaimed, while Farfarello pouted.

“So it works. Big deal.” He said lamely, while Schuldig gloated merrily.

Meanwhile Aya tugged at the katana, let out a cry of pain and stopped. Some of his lip got stuck too.

“Guess we’d better get home and pry that off.” Yohji said with a grimace. Whoever tugged that thing off was gonna get a nice thank you from Aya, who would conveniently have his katana with him.

LATER

“AAAaaAAAAAAnnn!!!”

“Jesus Aya, it’s not gonna come off if we don’t pull it!” Ken snapped.

“Don’t pull it from the handle Ken-kun! That can’t be good for him!” Omi whined.

“Well I can’t pull from the blade, that’d hurt me!” Ken argued back.

Yohji tossed him a pair of gardening gloves from the shop. Ken glared.

“Thorns and a sword blade are completely different Yohji. I don’t think those will protect me at all.” Ken said doubtfully.

“Well if you pull from the handle I think Aya might kill you and this is better than your bare palms.” Yohji put in.

“Wait, why do I get this job? Why can’t one of you pry the katana from his mouth?!” Ken shouted.

“Because your Christmas presents sucked so you owe us!” Yohji answered.

“Yeah!” Omi chimed in.

“Wait, you liked my gift!” Ken argued.

“Yeah, but I’m not pulling that katana off of Aya-kun, he looks ready to kill somebody.” Omi noted, staring at the vein going on Aya’s forehead.

Ken put on the gloves, frowned, and then gripped the handle.

“AAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAnnnNNNNN!!!”

“I’ve almost got it!” Ken yelled. Blood was dripping down Aya’s chin. Yohji had to pin his arms back so he wouldn’t kill Ken, but he was still trying to kick.

“If you stop doing that I’ll get it sooner!” Ken yelled, avoiding a kick to the stomach. “Seriously Aya, you’re more likely to cut off your tongue than land a hit!”

Aya growled, kicked him in the balls, Ken fell back in pain, and the katana came off.

…

With about twenty layers of skin.

…

And half of Aya's taste buds.

…

Aya was not happy.

But he was eerily calm. Ken was on the living room rug, writhing in pain. Yohji still had Aya’s arms pinned. He slowly let go and backed away. Omi was already in the doorway with a phone in his hand.

Aya brought a hand to his chin to catch the blood before it stained his clothes. He slowly stood. Ken stopped writhing and tensed fearfully.

Ken slowly reached to the side, eyes still glued on Aya, and grabbed his helmet from under the Christmas tree.

“THI-NEH!!! (shi-ne - A/N)” Aya screamed.

Yohji and Omi ran from the room, while Ken curled up like a slug and covered his head with his hands.

Yohji and Omi ran blindly for the stairs, wanting to get to their rooms with the locks on the doors. While they were running past the front door the bell rang. This, of course, did not make Yohji or Omi stop to answer it, they ran by it and up the stairs.

Schuldig was standing on the doorstep, and, through the window, caught sight of them running. He scowled, annoyed, and entered the house anyway. He paused in the hallway. He could hear disturbing sounds coming from the living room, and he could feel the storm of rage that was Aya’s mind. He ignored it, lest he get sucked into the angry mind.

“Yohji! Hey!” Schuldig yelled.

Yohji poked his head out of his bedroom door. “Schuldig? What are you doing here?”

Schuldig looked awkward. “What the hell do you think I’m doing here?” And pissy. He was holding a gift bag.

“Trespassing?” Yohji guessed.

“The door was unlocked and I saw you in the house! You ran away from the door.” Schuldig noted. A scream of pain was heard from the first floor. “Though I can understand why.”

“Yeah…uh…you wouldn’t happen to know if Ken’s still alive, would you?” Yohji asked.

“Who the hell cares?” Schuldig asked back.

“Well when he’s done with Ken he might come after us. With that said, d’ya wanna just come into my room and I’ll lock the door? It’s probably safer than standing in the hallway.”

At that point Omi peeked his head out of his room.

“Oh my God, they’re like gophers.” Schuldig muttered.

“Hey Schuldig-kun. Are you getting your clothes back from Yohji-kun?” Omi asked teasingly.

“What are you talking about kid?”

“I swiped these from your room while you were out.” Yohji said, tossing Schuldig the jeans and t-shirt.

“You sick bastard.”

“Well I wasn’t gonna stand around naked in your house-”

“Whoa! Too much information!” Omi exclaimed, and shut the door.

“I bet he’s going online to tell Nagi about that.” Schuldig grumbled. “No lives, those two.”

“You’re one to talk. What’s in the bag?” Yohji asked.

“P-present?” Schuldig held it out, looking very unsure and awkward.

“You got me a Christmas present?” Yohji asked, looking shocked.

Schuldig frowned, there was a moment of awkward silence, and he brought his hands in a little bit. “S-so. Yeah, I got you a present.” He said, recovering with a scowl. “It was cheap and it was there, so-”

“Um…I didn’t think we were gonna do presents so I…” Yohji trailed off.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, but I hate you!” Schuldig snapped, practically throwing the present at Yohji in his haste to leave. “I only got it to make you look bad!” He yelled over his shoulder as he took off down the stairs.

Yohji stood still for a moment, registering that Schuldig the asshole had gotten him a Christmas present. He held it up to his ear to see if it was ticking.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I’M SORRY AYA!!! IT HUUUUUUUUURRTTSS!!!” Ken’s wail of pain drifted upstairs.

Yohji cautiously reached into the gift bag and pulled out his present.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

Bombay22987: I think Ken-kun’s dead

Fatesbitch89: good

Bombay22987: wait, hes crying again

Fatesbitch89: that guy jus wont die wit honor. So you wanna come over here so youre safe?
Bombay22987: so you can float me up the window? Hell no. I like being alive sides Im still mad at you

Fatesbitch89: then I think you should come over here

Bombay22987: is that a threat?
Fatesbitch89: no, its more of the aya hacky hacky knife wieldy ‘heres johnny’ kinda thin

Bombay22987: the sad part is I followed that

Knock knock.

Bombay22987: ogod ayas at the dor I gotta go

Fatesbitch89: omi don’t die! Come over here!
Bombay22987 has signed off

Fatesbitch89: ooooooooooooooooommmiiiii!!!

Omi turned around nervously, but he could still hear Ken wailing downstairs. Confused, he tip toed over to the door and listened carefully. The knocking repeated.

“Omi, shit let me in before Aya comes upstairs.” Yohji pleaded. Omi opened the door, and Yohji ran in nervously.

“What’s that?” Omi asked, locking the door. Yohji was holding a very old looking comic in a protective plastic case.

“My Christmas present from Schuldig.” Yohji answered.

“Oooohh…what’d you get him?” Omi asked, semi-perky. Yohji looked guiltily at his feet. “You didn’t get him anything?!”

“You told me he did his shopping after Christmas! I thought I had time! I didn’t think he’d get me anything! And then he shows up with this…and it’s thoughtful Omi, it’s really fucking thoughtful!”

“Well what is it?” Omi asked.

“It’s a Lucky Luke comic book.” Yohji explained. Omi still looked confused. “He’s a French cowboy character. I used to read them with my mom when I was little. I don’t know how he knew about it, but I think an invasion of my privacy was involved. Still…”

“Still…that’s really kinda sweet.” Omi answered. Pause. “You speak French?”

“Yeah, my mom’s French. What, do I look fully Japanese to you?” Yohji asked.

“Well no, but neither do Aya-kun and Ken-kun. Or me. Or Nagi for that matter. Or Ouka. Or anyone but Crawford. And he’s American.”

“Yeah, I know.” Yohji snapped irritably.

“You know, I never thought I’d say this, but you’re the asshole in this relationship.” Omi stated.

“What relationship?! How can I be the asshole when we’re not even dating?!” Yohji shrieked.

“I meant friendship relationship, but if you wanna take it like that…” Omi trailed off, then snorted. “That’s so cute! You wanna date him! You wanna date Schuldig!”

“Shut up!” Yohji yelled.

“You wanna date him, you wanna date him-” Omi sang.

“Shut up! Shut up dammit! How do I fix this?” Yohji asked.

“I dunno. See, in my relationship with a member of Schwarz, I tend to be the one on the receiving end of apologies. Because theoretically they’re more evil and fucked up. Theoretically of course. I mean, you’d be the first to make one of the bad guys run off crying-”

“He so wasn’t crying this time!” Yohji snapped.

“You made him cry before? Yohji you prick! It’s Schuldig! That’s gotta be pretty hard! Well I suppose you could snap his Looney Tunes DVD in half, then he might cry. Or kill you. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’d just kill you, how did you make him cry?!” Omi demanded.

“It was so not my fault! And there were these school girls and these nuns-”

“Oh my god you’re flustered! You really do like him. You wanna date him, you wanna-”

“Stop singing! Damn. Why did I think talking to you would make me feel better?” Yohji asked.

Omi shrugged. “So what are you gonna get him?”

“I dunno. Should I get him something?” Yohji asked.

“Well…he’ll be mad if you do but more mad if you don’t.” Omi noted.

Yohji went silent, thinking of ways to placate Schuldig. The room was awfully quiet.

“Did you hear that?” Omi whispered.

“What?” Yohji asked.

“Exactly. Ken-kun stopped crying.” Omi said, eyes widening. “Either he’s dead, or Aya’s moved on.”

At that point there was a knock on the door.

“Omi, do you have the hydrogen peroxide?” Ken’s voice sounded dazed.

“It’s in the bathroom Ken-kun. How’s Aya-kun’s tongue?” Omi asked.

“We called Kritiker and they’re sending someone over to look at it.” Ken answered.

“So Aya’s calmed down then?” Yohji asked.

“Yeah, he’s fine. He let all his aggression out on me. While you two ran up here hiding.” Ken snapped. “That was some lovely Christmas spirit there Omi.”

“Hey, it’s not our fault you were too stupid to run!” Yohji snapped. Then he noticed Omi’s computer screen. “Wow, you really were talking to Nagi. I thought you two were still mad at each other.”

“I’m still mad at him.” Omi said, looking wounded, with big watery eyes. “But it’s Christmas and I miss my boyfriend!” And then he started crying and he hugged Yohji, burying his face in Yohji’s chest. Yohji looked scared, but he wrapped an arm around Omi comfortingly.

“So why don’t you just make up with him?” Yohji asked.

“But…he hated my present. He thought it was a joke. And it was our song.”

“I know Omi. But…remember our talk before about Nagi and how some things are just…he’s weird?” Yohji paused for a second, trying to think of how to word this. “Nagi’s kind of slow. He doesn’t understand love.”

“He didn’t remember our song!”

“Did he know it was your song?”

“It was the first song we ever danced to!” Omi yelled.

“Does Nagi know the rules? Who would have taught him?” Yohji pointed out. “Schuldig? Farfarello?”

“Crawford!” Omi whined.

“He’s like forty and he’s never been laid. I don’t know if he knows the damn rules.”

Meanwhile, across town Crawford grabbed at his chest. “Ow, my pride.”

“Do you think I should make up with him?” Omi asked.

“Well…it’s Christmas. It’s a good day to.” Yohji noted. “And then you and Nagi can put in a good word about me to Schuldig.”

“Alright. I’ll let you know if he’s crying.” Omi said with a slightly evil grin.

MEANWHILE

Crawford entered the Schwarz apartment with his three teammates. He went into his room to change his hamster’s water and there were still three teammates. When he got out he was short one Irish psychopath and one German telepath.

“Dammit, where’d they go?” He snapped. Nagi was sitting on the couch with his laptop. He shrugged, not even looking up.

Crawford considered going out to look for them, but mistakenly figured they were together and thusly, would keep each other from doing anything too illegal.

And at least he didn’t have to worry about them freezing their tongues to anything since they’d had that answered. Poor Ran.

He sat down on the couch for some peace and quiet, and about twenty minutes later a traumatized looking Schuldig entered.

“Hey Schu-”

“Don’t talk to me! I’m gonna die miserable and alone because no one loves me!” Schuldig yelled, and then ran into his room and slammed the door.

Crawford and Nagi sat on the couch, frozen to the spot.

“D’ya think he’s got a fever?” Crawford asked.

“What the hell was that? Where was he?!” Nagi exclaimed. “Wait…he was at the Koneko. Omi was hassling him about Yohji having his clothes.” Nagi said, looking at his IM conversation with Omi.

“Are you talking with Omi again?”

“No, just online.”

Crawford looked very confused. “Isn’t that talking?”

“No. It’s completely different.” Nagi answered flatly. “He still thinks I hate him, and he won’t see me.”

“But he’ll talk-type to you.” Crawford corrected himself.

“Yes.”

“I’m gonna check on Schuldig.” Crawford walked over to Schuldig’s bedroom door and knocked hesitantly. “Schuldig? Are you okay?”

“I wanna die!”

“But are you okay?” Crawford asked.

Pause.

“No.”

“I got some cyanide for you if you want it! Should be an easy way to go!” Nagi offered.

“Shut up Nagi!” Crawford yelled. Pause. “Schuldig are you crying?”

“No! Maybe! So what if I am? Am I not allowed to have feelings?!”

“Well you’ve never had them before.” Crawford had said entirely the wrong thing. “I give up! Just don’t kill yourself, we still need you!”

“Besides I get to kill you! Crawford said I could kill you!” Nagi yelled.

The door slowly creaked open, Farfarello stuck his head in and poked around.

“There’s no point in sneaking in. Who did you kill?” Crawford asked.

“I didn’t kill anyone.” Farfarello answered.

“So did they run into your knife?” Crawford asked.

“You took my knives, so that would have been pretty hard, wouldn’t it?” Farf snapped.

In truth, Farfarello hadn’t killed anyone. Fueled by the chibi’s thoughtful holiday present (a nativity set transformed into a chess board) he’d gone out with the intention of having a jolly holiday slaughter, but he’d lost the mood. He’d seen so many couples holding hands and being lovey-dovey that it had made him lonely. He’d passed through the park on the way home and been passed by a horse-drawn carriage with a pair of newlyweds in it. Even the squirrels had been sharing acorns with each other.

He was lonely, and everyone seemed to have someone else.

He’d passed Omi on his way home, so most likely the chibis would be back to romantic bliss in no time, since Nagi was set to apologize and grovel upon sight. Crawford was happily cuddling his new hamster and Schuldig was…miserable.

Farfarello felt a little bit better, but it wasn’t much comfort. He sat on the windowsill and stared up at the night sky. A single tear ran down his cheek as he caught sight of the Christmas star and made a wish.

‘Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish for companionship.’

He wiped the tear, got up, and turned for his room.

CRASH.

The window shattered behind him, and hands closed around his throat.

“Jei, you are SO FREAKING DEAD!!!”

MEANWHILE

Omi had been having a slow walk to the Schwarz apartment, thinking over his situation with Nagi, and by the time he was a street or two away, he really was more than ready to forgive his boyfriend, and pretty sure he maybe loved him. Excited to see him and tell him so, he began running in his haste.

He turned the corner and caught sight of his boyfriend’s apartment. Burning.

Omi came to a sudden stop, a look of frozen horror on his face.

There was a sickening creak, a lurch, and the whole building collapsed.