Omi stared wide eyed at the rubble that had been his boyfriend’s house. With his boyfriend inside, with all of Schwarz, and his boyfriend. He watched the flames slowly consume the rubble, and he fell to his knees and started wailing.

BACK AT THE KONEKO

Just kidding. At the site that formerly contained the Schwarz apartment (and several other apartments that did go down in the fire -A/N), Omi cried in despair for what he thought was his lost love.

And then a large portion of the rubble was cleared away, and Nagi trudged forward out of the flames, covered with ashes and slightly singed.

“Aaaahh! I’m sorry you died Nagi! I wanted to apologize, I wanted to make up! I love you Nagi, come back! I don’t care about our song, we can have other songs!” Omi wailed.

Nagi looked very confused, and at this point Schuldig limped forward. “Isn’t that sweet?” Schuldig said scathingly.

“Aaahhh! It’s all of Schwarz, come back from the grave to haunt me!” Omi yelped. “What the hell did I do wrong?!”

“Haunt you?” Nagi puzzled.

“That’s right, tragically dead. It was horrible, dying at such young ages, and we will haunt you forever. But if you were to run down to the corner store and get me an Icee, it might soothe my soul and send me to the next life.” Schuldig said dramatically. Some rubble was thrown at his head. “Hey! That was on fire!”

“Well it shouldn’t have hurt you since we’re dead you asshole!” Crawford shouted.

“Omi, we’re not dead. God. You don’t think much of Schwarz, do you?” Nagi asked

(Jeezus, all those reviews, ‘you’re not going to kill them in a burning building’ they’re fucking Schwarz! Did anyone see the last episode of the original series? They’ve faced things more implausible than a burning building! -eMu) (I dunno, Schuldig did almost get taken out by a train. And a hamster. -Chikin)

“Y-you’re not?” Omi whimpered. Pause. “I’m sorr-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” Omi squealed, running over to Nagi to strangle-hug him. “I shouldn’t have gotten so mad over the present, it was dumb and I’m sorry and I love you-don’t die! I’m too-”

“I remember. You’re too young for me to die.” Nagi said dazedly, once he’d gotten Omi’s arms off from around his neck.

“That’s right, stop being selfish.” Omi pouted. “What the hell happened?”

Schuldig sat down on the curb in front of the smoldering building, looking very surly. The tips of his hair were on fire, so he put it out with his finger tips. “The damn building burned down.” He spat.

“Got that. How?” Omi asked.

Pause.

“Where’s Farf?!” Nagi exclaimed.

“Farf burnt the building down?” Omi asked.

Meanwhile, Nagi began throwing things around with his powers, trying to find the remaining Schwarz.

“Farf…” Schuldig muttered.

“Wow. They really care about each other. Like a family.” Omi realized. That lead him to think about whether the rest of Weiss would look for him if he was missing, and he was sure they would.

“MY DVDs!!!” Schuldig screamed, and attempted to charge back into the smoking rubble. Crawford had to hold him back, and he was still being pulled slowly towards the building as Schuldig fought him.

Then an extra pair of hands restrained Schuldig. “Dammit man, they’re just DVDs!”

It was a very pretty woman Omi had never seen before. She had pale blond hair and blue eyes, and was dressed like a singed hooker.

“Who the fuck are you?” Omi squeaked.

Schuldig stopped struggling and gazed sadly at the final resting place of his stuff. He sniffled.
“My stuff…”

“Who are you people anyway?” Crawford asked the blond chick.

“Dude! What about your pets? Are you telling me you’re only concerned about your fucking DVDs?!” Nagi snapped. “You can buy more DVDs!”

“I can grow more pets! If Crawford’s credit cards went down with the house, then I’m not getting anymore DVDs, now am I?!” Schuldig yelled, near hysterics.

“You’re disgusting.” Nagi said, then turned back to the rubble and began tossing things aside looking for Farfarello.

“My name’s Dana. I’m a member of Grau.” The blond chick introduced.

“Oh wow, that’s original.” Schuldig snapped sarcastically. “Let me guess, you’re an assassin.”

“No, I’m the damned building inspector. Of course we’re assassins.” Dana returned.

Crawford was about to question Dana some more, when a thought occurred to him. “Curt!” He screamed, and charged for the fire. This time it took Schuldig, Nagi, Omi and Dana to hold him back. “No! My hamster! I need my hamster!” Crawford wailed. “I can’t live through another death!”

“Dammit man it’s a hamster! They cost four dollars, I’ll get you another one!” Dana shouted.

“I don’t want another hamster. I want Curt!” Crawford sniffled.

“I cannot believe this team is considered more valuable than us.” A new female snapped. This one was a redhead wearing a silky-lacey nightie.

“Wow. I didn’t think this was possible but you guys are sluttier than Schrient.” Omi muttered.
“And they were created by a man to be his sex slaves.” Nagi put in.

“Will you restrain your team leader so he doesn’t run into the burning-too late.” The redhead muttered, as Crawford broke free and ran into the fire. They watched him (yes, no one went after him) trip over something.

“You saved my hamster!” Crawford exclaimed triumphantly. “You’re getting your own room! Schuldig can sleep on the couch!”

“What couch?! The building burned down!” Nagi pointed out. “Crawford! Who the hell are you talking to?!”

“Lampy saved my hamster!” Crawford yelled.

“Who the hell is Lampy?” Dana asked.

“He’s the new Mastermind, that’s who he is!” Crawford walked out of the rubble cuddling his hamster. Behind him a handful of Schuldig’s monsters were towing out some of Schwarz’s cherished belongings. They had Nagi’s computer, a few pairs of Farfarello’s boots and several of Schuldig’s DVDs.

Lampy fixed a glare on Schuldig. “Frederick perished to bring you these Looney Tunes, flame haired bringer of life. We heard you dishonor him. You think you can just grow us anew should we depart? As I have been given the title of God by the King of Gods, I declare the right to decide the life of these goods.” He gave a signal, and Hairy tossed the DVDs back into the fire.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!” Schuldig screamed, and charged into the fire. No one made any effort to stop him.

“You know Nagi, you could pull him back with your powers.” Omi noted.

“I know. I also could have pulled the DVDs back with my powers. But I didn’t.” He turned to Grau. “Where’s Farfarello?”

“I don’t know exactly. Xiao Mei flew off with the twins when the building started lurching.” The redhead said.

“Twins? Who had twins?” Omi asked.

“Farfarello-” Nagi started to explain, but Omi cut him off.

“Farfarello had twins? How? You really need to stop going to that doctor.” Omi said.

“Farf has a twin who came in and tried to kill him. And he burnt the house down. That’s where we’re at right now. Damn. This sounds like a confusing and horrible soap opera.” (It sounds like Weiss!) “Was Xiao Mei the pig tailed chick with the laptop?” Nagi asked.

“And the theme music, yeah. I’m Allison. Alright, while we’re temporarily safe from Dante, I’m going to phone-”

“Who’s Dante?!” Omi yelled.

“Stop interrupting! Who the hell are you?!” Allison screeched, losing her temper.

“I’m Omi.” Omi whimpered.

“She gets a little grumpy when she doesn’t sleep enough.” Dana explained.

“I’m confused!” Omi wailed. Allison glared at him. “But I don’t mind!”

“I’m confused too. What the hell is going on? Why did you try to kill us?” Crawford asked.

“We didn’t try to kill you. Dante tried to kill Farfarello.” Allison paced for a second. “I think we’ll need Dante and Xiao Mei to clear up everything. All I know is I was asleep, and woken up by Xiao Mei crying, telling me that Dante ran off to kill his twin brother. I didn’t even know Dante had a brother, and I guess he didn’t either until Xiao Mei hacked into Esset’s files and excitedly showed Dante he had living family.”

“So wait a minute, why did he want to kill Farfarello?” Crawford asked.

“For starters, Dante found out he was adopted by missionaries in a particularly cruel manner and always wanted to find his birth family. Which are listed as slain. Esset also recorded an experiment about receptor twins, about how sometimes identical twins can feel the pain of the other one-” At this there was a collective shudder from the group. Allison paused, noting the distinctly guilty looks on the Schwarz’s faces. “It’s not like it’s your fault Farfarello cut himself up so badly, he seemed like a danger to himself.”

“Yeah.” Nagi said halfheartedly.

FLASHBACK

“Farf, can I practice my powers with you?” Nagi asked.

“Sure.” Farfarello said nonchalantly, he wasn’t even paying full attention.

Nagi lifted Farfarello up and held him in place for a second. The problems came when he tried to move him around the room. First he went into the ceiling fan, then into the wall. Nagi got nervous, and started losing his concentration, and Farfarello was shot out the window.

“I didn’t do it.”

-*-

“Farfarello, can you get my watch out of the garbage disposal? You have smaller hands than me.” Crawford said.

Farfarello shrugged, then reached a hand down.

“Hey! What’s this switch here do?!” Schuldig called.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

-*-

“Farf, I lost my pincushion.”

-*-

“Farf, can you shave this cat?”

-*-

“The light bulb’s stuck in the socket!”

-*-

“Catch this steak knife!”

“What the hell are you doing Schuldig?!” Crawford shrieked.

“Farf’s helping me put away the dishes.” Schuldig explained. “Hey Farf! Catch!”

“What?”

PRESENT

“It couldn’t be helped.” Nagi muttered.

“Isn’t your friend going to die in there?” Dana asked. “If the fire doesn’t get him, the smoke inhalation will.”

“We can only hope.” Nagi answered. Omi glared at him.

Allison whipped a cellphone out somehow (where the hell it could have come from in the nightie…) and dialed Esset. Crawford did the same thing, minus the nightie.

“I’m not joking. He really will die in the fire.” Dana said to Nagi.

“Mmm hmm. Hey, you can pull him out if you want.” Nagi suggested. “I don’t wanna risk a burn.”

“You have mind powers!” Dana exclaimed.

“So do you! I…assume.” Pause. “Perhaps I’m too emotional to use them effectively. I’m just so broken up…about Schu’s…predicament.” Nagi couldn’t hold it in any longer, and he began laughing hysterically.

“This fucking sucks.” Schuldig couched, coming out of the ruins again. “I couldn’t find one damn DVD. What’s he so happy about?”

Nagi slowly stopped laughing, staring at Schuldig, and then began crying. Omi wrapped an arm around him.

“I’m gonna bring him over to my house. I suppose you guys are welcome to come if you need shelter.” Omi volunteered half heartedly.

“No, they’ll be fine.” Nagi said quickly, tugging Omi’s arm away.

“What do you mean you can’t get us a hotel room? Our house burned down! Because of one of your teams! No, I didn’t See it coming-that doesn’t make it my fault!” Crawford yelled into the cellphone.

“So Dana and Dante had a little shopping spree? How much could they have possibly spent?!…Wow…that’s actually quite a lot…but you’re bloody Esset! You have the funds for a hotel room!…No we can’t sleep on the street! And we can’t get back to our apartment in Iceland! …You can get us a plane to…I’m not going to Greenland! Besides, you’d have to put us up in a hotel there too! Now you’re just being silly!…Yes, I know there aren’t any hotels in Greenland, there’s nothing in Greenland-we’re not supposed to be talking about this!” Allison wailed.

“Hey guys, what’d I miss?” Xiao Mei asked, floating down.

“Where are Dante and Farfarello, I thought they were with you?” Dana asked.

“They were heavy, so I dropped them in the park.” Xiao Mei explained.

“You left them alone together?!” Dana shrieked.

“No. Well kinda. They’re unconscious.” Xiao Mei explained.

“You left them alone, unconscious, unprotected in a public park!?” Dana shrieked. “In the winter!?”

“I put them on park benches and wrapped them in newspaper so they’d look like hobos. So what’s shaking bacon?” She asked pleasantly.

“From the sounds of it we’ll be joining them in the park.” Schuldig grumbled.

“They hung up on me! The pricks!” Crawford yelled.

“I talked them down to a hotel room. Come on Dana, Xiao Mei, let’s get Dante and get someplace warm.” Allison announced. She started down the street with her team.

Dana walked rather slowly, then glanced behind at Crawford and Schuldig warming themselves by the smoldering remains of their house. Dana tugged on Allison’s arm.

“Uh…should we leave them there?”

“They’re assassins Dana. They’re also ranked above us, I think they can take care of themselves.” Allison snapped. She glanced behind her and watched Crawford turn his jacket into a bed for his hamster. She paused, frowned, and then started back towards the Schwarz.

“Dammit. You can stay with us since we kinda burned your house down.”

“Gee, thanks-” Schuldig started sarcastically, but was cut off by a tentacle covering his mouth.

“We would be much obliged.” Smelly answered.