“I need my privacy!” Allison announced, running into one of the two bedrooms and slamming the door.

“I’m female, I get my own bed.” Xiao Mei chimed in, plopping onto one of the beds in the other bedroom.

“Then go in with Allison!” Dana yelled.

“She needs her privacy.” Xiao Mei answered.

“She can’t have two beds!” Dana exclaimed.

“Aren’t you female too?” Schuldig asked Dana.

“What? What made you think that?” Dana asked.

“The mini skirt, tube top and stripper heels for starters. Although now that you mention it that is rather drag queen of you.” Schuldig noted.

“Hey, I happen to look very classy when I’m in drag most of the time. I was just on an undercover mission when Dante took off to kill your friend.” Dana explained.

“Well why were you the one in drag?” Schuldig asked. “I mean, I assume they were both in bed by the nightgown and the footie PJs. If you needed a girl to get the target, why not send one of them?”

Dana considered. “Oh that’s easy, because…because how…ALLISON!” Dana shrieked, pounding on the door. He could hear Allison laughing on the other side.

“It’s not her fault boys are stupid.” Xiao Mei giggled. “Besides, Allison has too much dignity to do that and I’m too young. And you look so much prettier as a girl.”

“Maybe, but this wonder bra is starting to dig in.” Dana complained. “I think we should give the twins surfaces to sleep on since they’re still unconscious and all.”

“Well then it doesn’t really matter.” Schuldig answered. “They can’t feel it.”

Dana frowned. “When they wake up their backs would hurt.”

“Only Dante’s. So we shove Farfarello in the bathtub and Dante on the couch. I call bed!” Schuldig announced, jumping onto the bed next to Xiao Mei’s.

Dana and Crawford lugged Dante and Farfarello over to the couch, which turned out to be a sleep sofa.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to put both of them on the sleep sofa?” Dana asked, watching Crawford heave Farf onto the bed.

“No. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to put them in the tub either. Think about it, there’s only one bathroom here. Besides, theoretically we’ll hear them before they burn this place down.”

“Theoretically of course. By the way, that orange haired guy’s a dick.” Dana announced.

“Yes. Yes he is.” Crawford answered.

Dana walked over to Allison’s door. “C’mon Allison, you’ve lived with me for nine years…you know I’m not gonna rape you. Let me in…I want a bed!”

“No!”

“Then let Xiao Mei in with you! You don’t need two beds!” Dana yelled.

“No, but it’s fun!” Allison said. She’d pushed the two beds together to make one big bed and was now rolling around on them.

“At least give me the spare blanket! I’m not wearing much you know! It’s cold!” Dana whined.

“Nag, nag, nag!”

“I take it back. She’s not much like Crawford.” Schuldig muttered. Crawford was now settling himself in the walk in closet using his coat as a blanket. Curt Schilling curled up next to him.

Dana grabbed the couch cushions that had been abandoned after the sleep sofa was set up and arranged them into a terribly uncomfortable sleep surface that slid out from under you if you moved too much. Or breathed too forcefully.

He grumbled angrily and watched as all the more comfortable and warm people (and Crawford) around him drifted off to sleep. Two hours later Schuldig was curled into a tiny ball in the bed and Dana’s teeth were chattering. He abandoned the couch cushions and climbed into bed next to Schuldig.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

“What’s a Yohji?”

Schuldig blinked sleepily and registered that he was wrapped around a warm body with blond hair in his vision. It wasn’t a completely unfamiliar sight, except this hair was the wrong shade of blond. He blinked again, and yelped.

“You know, that’s not normally the response I get when people wake up next to me. Normal people say hello. They don’t scream. It’s very unflattering.” Dana grumbled.

“I don’t normally wake up next to strangers!” Schuldig snapped. “Strange perverts!” He pulled away from Dana, glaring.

“I’m sorry, the floor was cold, the bed was warm, you weren’t using much of it, and you’re the pervert who straddled me.” Dana accused.

“I was asleep! It doesn’t count!” Schuldig yelled. “Besides, why didn’t you move?”

“Because you had your legs locked around my waist and I couldn’t move you. What kinda person sleeps till noon! I had to pee!” Dana yelled, getting up to go for the bathroom.

Schuldig groaned. “I can’t believe I talked about the fucking cowboy in my sleep.” He muttered.

“Who’s the cowboy?” Xiao Mei asked pleasantly, hovering into the room. She was sitting cross legged in the air, playing music on her laptop.

“Are you a telekinetic or something?” Schuldig asked.

“Nope. I read auras.” Xiao Mei explained.

“So how come you fly?” Schuldig asked.

“Because I’m Chinese.”

Pause.

“Is that supposed to explain something?” Schuldig asked.

“All Chinese people can fly. You didn’t know that Schuldig?” Crawford asked. 

“N-no. I was unaware.” Schuldig responded.

“Help me move Dante into the other room.” Crawford instructed.

“They still haven’t woken up yet?” Schuldig asked.

“Could have been the smoke inhalation. Or the fact that they beat the living shit out of each other before the building burned down.” Xiao Mei noted.

FLASHBACK

“Jei, you are SO FREAKING DEAD!!!”

“ACKLL!!!” Farfarello gagged. His opponent flinched, and he managed to pull away. He turned around to get a glimpse of his attacker and froze.

“Is this some kind of cruel mockery of my pigment condition?!” Farfarello demanded. “I’m gonna fucking kill you Schu!!”

Farf’s attacker looked just like him, only with less scars, reddish hair, a normal skin tone, two brown eyes and gauged ears.

“Don’t change the fucking subject! I’m gonna kill you good!” And then fire exploded from bizarro Farfarello’s palms. Farfarello yelped and dove behind the couch for protection.

“Stop making so much noise, you’ll scare my ham-who the hell are you?!” Crawford yelled. “How did you get in our house?”

“I think maybe that hole where the window was.” Nagi chimed in, standing behind Crawford cautiously.

“Y’know, I could really use some KNIVES to protect myself!” Farfarello shouted, using couch cushions as shields from the fire. “They’re a bit more menacing than pillows!”

“You’re still on punishment!”

“Crawford, give him the damn knives!” Nagi yelled. Nagi ran into the kitchen and grabbed the fire extinguisher. He tossed it to Farfarello, who sprayed his assailant with it.

“Aaah! My eyes!” Bizarro Farf shrieked. “It’s cold and chemically!”

Farfarello smacked him with the fire extinguisher while he was flailing around blindly.

“I’ll kill you, you bastard!” Bizarro Farf shouted, abandoning his flame powers and any sort of fancy attack for tackling Farfarello and slamming his head onto the ground. This wasn’t doing much to Farfarello, but it was making Bizarro Farf woozy.

“Crawford, help him!” Nagi whined.

“Why don’t you help him? Pry them to separate sides of the room.” Crawford instructed.

“Okay.” Nagi waved a hand and sent them to opposite corners, so Bizarro Farf shot a stream of fire at Farfarello.

“I can’t move! Too warm! Too warm!” Farfarello objected loudly. Nagi released him and he started rolling around on the ground. He continued holding Bizarro Farf still, who was struggling.

“Who are you and why are you trying to kill us-”

“Us?!” Farfarello shrieked. “Us?! It’s not fucking us Brad! Is everyone on fire, or is it just me?!”

“Fine. Who are you and why are you trying to kill Farfarello?” Crawford clarified.

“I am the grim specter of death. I am going to kill him because he is a sick, tainted piece of human waste.” Bizarro Farf answered.

“Be that as it may, he is a member of this team and we won’t let you kill him.” Crawford started.

“It would be really annoying to track down a replacement at this stage.” Nagi noted.

“Hey!” Farfarello whined. “I can hear you!”

“Go do something useful, get the first aid kit.” Crawford instructed. Farfarello limped a few feet, then fell over in the hallway and groaned.

“His legs gave out. Should I drop him or keep holding him up?” Nagi asked.

“Uh…”

Crawford didn’t get the chance to answer, however, as Bizarro Farf pelted Nagi with a spray of fire that distracted him into releasing him.

THUD

Bizarro Farf hit the floor, grimaced, and then dragged himself towards Farfarello by his fingernails.

Farfarello had hauled himself into a sitting position. He blinked at his twin. “Why are you trying to kill me?” Pause. “You were sent by God, weren’t you? To kill me and take my place. I get it now…”

“No you moron. I want to kill you because I hate you. You got everything I wanted and you didn’t appreciate it and you fucked it up. On top of that I feel your fucking pain.”

“But I don’t feel any pain.”

“GAH!!!”

“Hey stop biting my leg! It’s rude, we were having a nice conversation here.” Farfarello objected, trying to shake his brother off. “I don’t even know your name.”

The twin growled.

“Well there’s a family resemblance. What’s your name?” Farfarello asked.

“Sei. But I go by Dante.”

“Well that’s rather convenient.” Farfarello said.

“And you’re Jei. But you go by Farfarello? Well soon you’ll be the late Farfarello.”

“Can you stop with the threatening?!” Farfarello asked. “I’m trying to have a nice conversation here!”

“I’m trying to kill you!”

“Well you’re doing a messy job of it. You’re all distracted. If I had a competent team, they’d have taken you out by now.” Farfarello noted.

At this Schuldig nudged open his door.

“Who’re you calling incontinent?”

“Incompetent you idiot!” Farfarello and Dante yelled together. They paused and stared at each other. “That’s creepy. Stop saying what I’m saying!”

Dante started choking Farfarello, who rolled him into the wall. Dante let go and started rubbing his throat, and Farfarello body slammed him into the wall. So Dante sent him through the opposite wall into the kitchen via a fire spray.

Nagi and Crawford were desperately attempting to put out the quickly spreading fire. “Schuldig, plug up the toilet in the bathroom and flush!” Crawford instructed.

“Flush like you’ve never flushed before!” Nagi chimed in. He was attempting to put out the fire in the kitchen with the little squirt thing attached to the kitchen sink. “What’s the point of this thing?”

“DANTE!!! You are in so much trouble!!”

The Schwarz whipped around and saw two girls hovering outside the hole that had been the living room window. A little Chinese girl was holding up a very angry red head in a nightie. It looked like the redhead was too heavy for the little Chinese girl, who was wavering. So the reprimand was constantly changing volumes as the girls pitched dangerously under the level of the window.

“It’s bad enough you run off killing random clergy and missionaries and get us in the headlines! Do you even know the meaning of the words LOW PROFILE??!!! Now you have to go after our superiors!! This is fucking SCHWARZ!!! They’re more important than us and those three old freaks will have our heads if we kill them!! SO STOPPIT!! STOP BEING SO FUCKING SELFISH!!”

“Oh my god it’s bizarro Crawford.” Schuldig muttered. “Hmm…bizarro Crawford’s a woman. Wonder what that says about real Crawford.”

“Allison, I need to put you down or I’ll drop you!” The little girl whined. She floated into the living room and dropped her leader onto a patch of floor that wasn’t burning. She continued to hover in the air with her computer.

Then there was a knock at the door. Schuldig made to answer it.

“Don’t answer the damned door!” Nagi yelped.

“It could be something important, like the building inspector or something.” Schuldig objected. He opened the door to reveal a panting blond hooker.

“Jeezus Dana, you’re an assassin. You should be in better shape than that.” Allison chided.

“You…try…running up…six flights…of stairs…in stilettos.” Dana panted. “What’d I miss?”

And then the building gave a sickening lurch.

“I think Dante lit the building on fire, but we can’t really be sure.” Xiao Mei chimed in. She started playing ‘We didn’t start the fire’ on her laptop. “No we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it!” She sang.

Allison and Crawford were both grinding their teeth in frustration.

“Is she always like that?” Schuldig asked, indicating Xiao Mei.

“Eh. You should hear the battle music.” Dana answered. “Try going undercover with Lola blasting. Loses the stealth thing right there.”

“Uh, guys…Farf lost consciousness and I don’t think the building’s gonna-” Nagi started, but was cut off by the building collapsing.

PRESENT

Farfarello came to with the familiar feeling of restraints. It seemed funny to him that they would use restraints in the afterlife, because he was relatively sure he was dead. He was expecting to open his eye to a fiery inferno, and it annoyed him to no end that he’d be wearing his straight jacket for it.

But when he opened his eye the straight jacket made sense, because he must be in heaven, and God had plenty of reason to want him restrained. There was an angel in his line of vision, blond haired, blue eyed and wearing really tasteless make up.

Farfarello blinked a few more times, but before he could make sense of it, the angel was shoved aside by a sobbing Chinese girl.

“I’msosorryJeiIdidn’tthinkDantewouldtrytokillyouIthoughthe’dbehappyhehadabrothercuzImissmyfamilyandIcan’tseethemsinceEssetownsmeandyou’reinEssetsoyoutwocanseeeachotherandIdidn’twantanyonetobehurtI’msosorrypleaseforgiveme-”(Those are actually words. -A/N)

“Jesus Xiao Mei, give him a minute. He doesn’t even know what you’re apologizing for.” The angel known as Dana muttered.

“I’m not dead, am I?” Farfarello asked, seeming rather disappointed.

“Unfortunately no. God, someone numb the right side of my body again.” Dante pleaded.

Schuldig emptied a syringe into Dante’s arm, and a vacant smile appeared on his face before he collapsed into the nest of pillows and blankets he was propped up in.