“What exactly are you making me inject him with?” Schuldig asked, after emptying his seventh syringe that day into Dante’s arm.

“Horse tranquilizers.” Allison answered nonchalantly. “Check.”

“Damn! There goes my queen!” Crawford grumbled, moving his Mary in the path of one of the three wise men. They were using Farfarello’s new nativity/chess set.

“Wait…how is he not dead then?” Schuldig asked.

“His body keeps building up immunities to whatever pain killers we give him. For any kind of effect now, we use the horse tranquilizers then after this…we’ll have to bother Esset for some elephant tranquilizers.” Allison patiently explained.

“Ah.” Schuldig thought about that for a moment. “Then how is he not dead?”

“Checkmate.”

“What? How did that happen?” Allison demanded.

“My lamb took out your wise man.” Crawford explained.

“Yeah, I caught that. But-”

“And the sheep are surrounding you from that side.”

“Okay, but I can just move here.” Allison explained, moving her baby Jesus into the donkey’s line of fire.

“And our lord and savior has just been taken out by a donkey.” Crawford announced. “Check mate.”

“You cheated!” Allison decided.

“How did I cheat-”

“You used your powers!” Allison accused.

“It just gives me a slight advantage, if you could have, you would have.”

“That’s beside the point. I can’t. You cheated.” Allison glared at him.

“You could have used your powers.” Schuldig pointed out. “No one stopped you.”

“I’m a medium! And sorry, there aren’t any deceased chess champions floating around.” Allison glared at the chess set.

“Rematch?” Crawford asked.

“Hells yes. This time don’t use your power.” Allison answered, resetting the chess pieces.

“How are you gonna trust him on that?” Dante asked sleepily.

“Honor system?” Schuldig suggested.

“And for those who have no honor?” Dante asked.

“Ouch.” Schuldig responded. “Well if he wins, I suppose that means he cheated.”

“Hey! I was captain of the chess team, thank you. I happen to know what I’m doing.” Crawford announced, to snorts and mutterings of ‘dork’.

“You call the knights horsies.” Schuldig pointed out. “Even though they’re donkeys.”

“Besides, you don’t need to be good at something to be the captain of it. I was president of the math team, science team, environmental club and debate team. I was even the medbio team captain. I didn’t even take medbio, I was pulled out of high school by Rosenkreuz before I could. And I was this close to infiltrating the cheerleaders. I was this close to being in every photo in the yearbook.” Allison ranted.

“Check.”

Allison’s eyes narrowed.

“I didn’t cheat!” Crawford insisted. “While you were busy ranting, I made a set up. And it’s not check mate, if you move…oh wait. Check mate.”

Allison flipped the board in his face and stormed away.

“You broke Joseph’s head off! That was Farf’s Christmas present, you need to pay for that!” Schuldig called after her. She slammed the door to her bedroom.

“So…any thoughts on getting us a house again?” Schuldig asked.

“Actually yes.” Crawford answered as he picked up the chess set. “I put in a call with Takatori this morning and managed to convince him it was his fault our house burned down, and that he needs to house us.”

EARLIER THAT MORNING

“So you see sir, it was a security breach.”

“I don’t understand. I’ve never been to that location before-”

“Which is entirely the point. They’re that many steps ahead of you.” Crawford put in, glad he was having this conversation over the phone and not in person. He didn’t think his smirk would go over well.

“I…I never considered-”

“We’d be much more effective as body guards if we were closer to you anyway.”

“So…you think it would be wise for me to give you one of my penthouses?” Takatori asked.

“That’s a brilliant idea sir. I would have never thought of that. There’s a reason they have you pulling the strings sir.” Crawford praised. “Where would we be without your leadership?”

“That’s a bit over the top there Crawfoo. Do you really think he’s gonna buy that-”

“What was that?” Takatori asked, having heard Farfarello through the phone.

“Shut up.” Crawford hissed to Farf.

“What?” Takatori roared.

“Oh no, not you sir. The crazy Irishman got loose again. I’ll go get the tazer. Hold for a minute, please.” Crawford started smacking Farfarello with the phone. “Do you want us to lose this?” Crawford hissed.

“Ow! Oh the pain of it all! It’s searing, agony! A-Go-NEE!!” Farf wailed. “I think my eyeball just popped!”

“Stoppit!” Crawford snapped.

“I thought that was the one that couldn’t feel pain.” Takatori said in confusion. Crawford picked up the phone again and pretended he hadn’t heard that.

“No, that’s the German. So…we’ll just pop by later today to make the arrangements then, shall we?”

“Sure. You can never be too careful.”

-*-

“So we’re babysitting an idiot?” Schuldig asked.

“Esset doesn’t set up smart puppets. Especially the Japanese wing. It’s run by three senile old kooks having an eternal tea party.” Crawford answered flatly. “However, this puppet is rather well connected, so let’s browse to see what sort of penthouse we’d like.”

MEANWHILE, AT THE WEISS HOUSE

“What’s that doing here?” Aya demanded.

“That is my boyfriend and his name is Na-” Omi started, but Aya clamped a hand over his mouth.

“Ssh. We’re having a review today. No mention of Artz-schway.” Aya hissed. “Damn that one was tricky. Anyway, we are a hard core group of assassins that neither fraternize nor sleep with our enemies. Got that? It’s frowned upon.”

“They mention it in the manual.” Omi chimed in.

“You guys get a manual?” Nagi asked.

The three were in Omi’s room, Nagi had spent the night unnoticed.

“We have to sneak him out of the house before one of the reviewers notices him.” Aya decided.

“Wait a minute, you guys get manuals and reviews?” Nagi seemed very surprised by this. “Esset just kinda gives us money and cuts us loose.”

Aya frowned. “Normally it’s like that for us, but you see Ken picked up the phone when Persia called so now they’re evaluating us about competency.”

“Ah. That would do it. We try to keep Farf and Schuldig away from the phone. Well, it’s not that hard with Schuldig, he kinda yells ‘Phone’ until someone answers it anyway. Lazy bastard.” Nagi ranted.

“Will they really recognize him? C’mon Aya-kun, I think you’re making a big deal of this.” Omi pouted.

Aya opened the door. In the hallway, three Kritiker agents had tackled Yohji to the ground and were analyzing him. One of them had rubber gloves on, and was bagging things to be forensically analyzed. She picked off a long orange hair.

“It must have been from the last battle! I don’t know how it got there, really!” Yohji yelped.

Another agent walked out of his room with a comic book in a zip lock bag.

“It’s covered with fingerprints, matches Mastermind’s exactly.” The agent announced.

“That was planted!” Yohji yelped.
Aya slowly closed the door. Omi’s eyes were wide with shock. Nagi was snorting.

“Clearly they think we’re some kind of threat. Oh that’s amusing, I’ll have to tell Brad.”

“You’re not taking this seriously enough. If they find you here, we’ll be traitors. Omi, do you remember what happens to traitors?” Aya asked slowly.

Omi stared at the ground, eyes watering. “Marquis Yippers, lord of all things squeaky and chewy…and Yohji’s slippers.” Omi sniffed.

“They killed your dog?” Nagi asked in disbelief.

“They said…they said telepaths like Mastermind could…could use him to find out information. He was strong, he would never have talked, but no one believed me! He would rather have died! But it didn’t matter…they sent him to the farm…so they said. There are no farms in Tokyo!” Omi squeaked, shoulders shaking. Nagi wrapped an arm around him comfortingly.

There was a knock on the door.

“Bombay, we need to interview you-” One of the agents began. Omi shoved Nagi in the closet and fixed a smile on the agent as he opened the door.

“Ah…Abssynian. We were looking for you as well. We need a word with you about Siberian’s intelligence test scores.”

Aya shuddered.

“It was…interesting.”

MEANWHILE

“The Bahamas! I wanna go to the Bahamas!”

“Schuldig, we can’t-”

“Look, there’s an indoor pool. And an outdoor pool. And a little island, for an outdoor pool! And it’s got one of those little decorative pools in it, the ones with the fish? And a water slide!” Schuldig was clutching the brochure with pure avarice.

A small pile of brochures were on the coffee table in the hotel room they were still sharing with Grau.

“That will sound great Schuldig. Yes Mr. Takatori, we decided we needed to be closer to you to protect you properly, so we’re going to the penthouse in the Bahamas!” Crawford snapped. “Besides, Esset wants us in Tokyo.”

“But I don’t wanna be in Tokyo! The TV sucks and they have J-pop!” Schuldig whined.

“Can we go to this one?” Farfarello asked, handing Crawford another pamphlet.

“Salt Lake city? In Utah? Why the hell does he have a penthouse in Utah? And why the hell do you want to go there?” Crawford demanded.

“To play with the Mormons. I’m getting sick of Catholics. They’re all withered and full of guilt.” Farfarello explained. “It’s staining my shoes.”

“We’ll vacation in Utah sometime then.” Crawford muttered.

“The empty promises just roll right off your tongue, don’t they? We never go on holiday! We were supposed to go to the bible belt! And the Vatican! Remember? And you were gonna let me throw rocks in the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris! You said I could steal the Popemobile! You’re full of lies!” Farfarello accused.

“I’m surprised it took you this long to notice he says that shit to shut you up.” Schuldig noted.

“Well you’ve yet to visit the Post Fruity Pebbles factory, so he does it to you too.” Farfarello said scathingly.

“Hey, they’re just remodeling.” Schuldig said, looking doubtful. Farf smiled smugly. Schuldig glared at Crawford. “You are a lying bastard.”

“You’re both dumb. When have we ever gotten a vacation?” Crawford asked.

“That time when we were little, and we went to that amusement park?” Farfarello said brightly. “I went on that ride until I puked.”

“That was a Laundromat. Schuldig locked you in a drier.” Crawford snapped.

“It’s not my fault he’s stupid. ‘Hey Schuldig, where do all the socks go?’ ‘Oh, they’re in the back, just keep looking.’ ‘Hey Schuldig, the door’s stuck.’ ‘Hey, it’s getting hot in here.’ Dumbass.”

Farf punched Schuldig in the arm, then started looking through more brochures.

“This one’s Japan.” Schuldig announced.

“It’s in Kyoto.” Crawford said flatly.

“Oh. So’s this one. I thought it was a typo.” Farf had been turning his pamphlet over and looking at the name. “They weren’t very original when they were naming this place.”

“Kyoto, the anagram lover’s Tokyo. Hey, it says it on the pamphlet.” Schuldig said, pointing to the pamphlet.

“Ooo…this one’s nice. Damn, he lives in this one…” Crawford flipped through another pamphlet. “Who buys every house on the street?”

“Maybe he hates neighbors.” Schuldig pointed out. “He must.”

“Or maybe he’s paranoid. I bet he thinks the neighbors are trying to kill him. That explains why he bought my bullshit without Schuldig bending his mind.” Crawford muttered.

“Maybe he was out of closet space.” Farfarello suggested brightly.

Crawford blinked. “I’m suddenly reminded of Hidaka.”

“Was that an insult?” Farfarello asked.

Pause.

“Yes.” Schuldig and Crawford answered slowly.

“Then I am deeply offended. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lick a 9 volt battery to fill the void your cruel mockery has left in my heart.”

“It’s healthier than chubby hubby I suppose.” Crawford muttered.

Schuldig threw down the brochure he was holding. “Why don’t you just come out and say it?! You think I’m fat, don’t you!” Schuldig yelled, before running from the room and slamming a door behind him.

“Where the hell did that come from?” Crawford asked himself. “There’s gotta be something in the water.”

ELSEWHERE

“This will not work twice.” Nagi said flatly.

“I think the fact that it worked once solidifies it as a good idea.” Omi said brightly. “Unless you’d like to hide in my closet until our evaluation is over?”

“What about my roots?” Nagi asked.

Omi popped a pink hat with kitty ears on his head. “They’ll never know. Besides, you have cute legs. You should show them off.”

Nagi was once again dressed as Omi. He’d shed his emo clothes for Omi’s pastel  capris and a white hoodie with blue trim. (We stole the shirt from that pic where Aya has the rose tattoo and Ken’s in bondage It’s an official image, sadly. Oh yeah, and Nagi randomly went emo on me. Don’t ask why. It fits. - A/N).

“I don’t like my cute legs. I don’t wanna show them off.” Nagi snapped. “I look like a pedophile’s wet dream.”

“Ew.” Omi frowned, wrinkling his nose. “Do you think I look like a pedophile’s wet dream?”

Nagi went quiet, and Omi looked angry. “Look…Schuldig sometimes lets us in…on the thoughts of people…because they gross him out so much he can’t deal with it and he wants us to share his misery. Or he hates the person around at the moment.”

“So you do think I look like a pedophile’s wet dream!” Omi snapped.

“No…I’m saying you are-I’m saying that other people think tha-your shoes are really adorable. Uh…uh…” Nagi was sinking. “I think you look good in these clothes.”

“So that makes you a pedophile.” Omi sniffed.

“You’re older than me.” Nagi reminded him.

Aya opened the door cautiously. “Omi turn the radio down. They can hear it downstairs.” Aya said loudly, with a false smile fixed on his face. “Get out or I toss you out the window. If Omi can survive, you can. (See Malarkies & Mayhem - A/N)I’m not getting strip searched like Yohji.”

“That would be cavity searched.” Yohji slurred, stumbling past them towards his bedroom.

“What’s the matter Yohji? You look a little groggy and sore.” Nagi pointed out with glee.

“Shaddup.” Yohji groaned. “Melvin’s got cold hands. Cold, lingering hands. I’m gonna have nightmares for a week.”

“Melvin? Isn’t he that three hundred pound hairy guy?” Omi asked.

“No, that’s Gerry. Melvin’s the three hundred pound hairy guy with the hives.” Aya corrected. “Which is why I don’t want to be cavity searched, so get him out of the house.”

“Fujimiya-san! We still haven’t discussed Hidaka-san’s test scores!” One of the evaluator’s called up the stairs.

“I’ll be right down!” Aya called. He gave Nagi a final warning glare, and then left with a flourish.

“If it wasn’t for the random outbursts of threats, I’d of thought he was mute.” Nagi noted.

“Um…these evaluations take awhile…so I guess I’ll call you when it’s over.” Omi said sadly.

“Yeah…uh…where the hell am I going?” Nagi asked. “My house burnt down. D’ya think-”

“Nagi! This is your chance to make a break for it! You can start a new life, they can’t find you!” Omi hissed excitedly.

Nagi paused, scowled. “It can’t be this easy. Only…only I don’t know where they are…and they think I’m here. Oh my God. I’m going to the airport, I’ll contact you again when I’m safe!”

With that Nagi turned and left. He managed to fool the Kritiker agents, as he looked happy enough to pass for Omi. There was a new spring to his step, and he was whistling as he exited the house. He got down the street and turned a corner.

Where he saw Crawford and Schuldig leaning against the car, Schuldig with a video camera.

“You can’t really escape from a precog and a telepath Nagi.” Crawford said dryly, opening the car door for him.

“Crawford look, I can rewind to the moment where his hopes and dreams are crushed.” Schuldig announced. “Ah…home movies. I can play it again and again and again.”

Nagi scowled, looking exactly like his old self again.

“How’s it feel to taste freedom, only to have it cruelly pulled away?” Schuldig asked, interviewing him with the camera.

“How does it feel to know your precious DVD collection you’ve spent years carefully shaping was destroyed in a fire?” Nagi returned.

“We hocked some of the antiques from our new penthouse and had a shopping spree. How did you think I got the camera?” Schuldig asked.
“Penthouse?” Nagi asked. He frowned. “Where’s Farf?”

“Bonding with his brother.” Crawford answered.

Nagi gaped. “Where’s Farf?” He asked again, not believing it.

“Dana took him and Dante out for ice cream. He wants them to bond before Esset sends Grau back to Iceland. And since he volunteered to take out the psycho and pyrokinetic…” Schuldig trailed off. “We didn’t have to babysit so we went shopping.”

Nagi stared at Crawford. “Schuldig is lazy and irresponsible, I understand that. But you should know better!”

“Dana can handle it. He’s a very powerful telepath. Any time one of them gets too dangerous he knocks them out.” Crawford said dismissively. “Meanwhile I got the king of all Crittertrails. Curt will be very happy.”