“I thought you promised never to do this again.” Yohji pointed out.

“They break promises a lot. Haven’t you ever noticed how they promise to update soon?” Nagi answered dryly.

“Hey, we update a lot more frequently than other fan fic authors.” eMu snapped defensively.

“Tell that to your Harry Potter characters. They’re withering up.” Chikin said, poking eMu’s arm. “They’ve turned into rat people.”

“I just need to figure out what to do next is all.” eMu said guiltily.

“Yeah, for about twenty fics.” Chikin whined.

“Right, well anyway, we’re not here to discuss that-”

“No, because you want to ignore all of the Harry Potter people. They’re dying! They’ve been out of the lime light for far too long-”

“Dammit Chikin, Weiss-Schwarz…well they’re both here. Now, we want to discuss the dwindling reviews-”

“C’mon Chikin sama! Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sama-” Chikin chanted annoyingly.

eMu raised her voice and spoke over her. “Obviously you guys aren’t attracting the reviewers the way you used to-”

“Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sama-”

“Can I kill her?” Aya volunteered, as Chikin turned her chant into an intense whisper.

“You could if you knew how to use a sword.” Chikin snapped, then went back to chanting. Aya lunged, so Chikin sidestepped and Aya slammed into a wall.

“Are the reviews really dwindling? And how the hell is that our fault when you’re the damned writers?” Nagi asked.

“Dammit Chikin shut up!” eMu yelled. She snapped her fingers and Chikin was muzzled. A thought bubble emerged from her head.

‘Damned eMu and her control of the keyboard. Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sama’

“Can you stop the thought bubble? It’s filling the room.” Omi complained.

eMu popped it. “Alright. So we’re going to analyze the reviews from the latest chapter and see if there are any pointers we can glean from it.”

“IE we’re pandering to our audience again?” Yohji asked. “You know, if you really want to pander you could cut Grau. No one likes original characters.”

“Shut up. We are not going Lucas cutting Jar Jar. We’re just gonna look at our reviews. We can have artistic integrity and pay attention to our fans.” eMu insisted. She was met with stony looks from the assembled characters. Ignoring them, she read the first review.

“This one’s from Southpaw Boxer. She says ‘Wai! So cute! Can't you and Chikin-sama please update soon? I live for the Aya and Schwarz moments! Acctualy, I love virtually everyone except Ken and Yohji. Any road, you've made me a fan of Nagi torture! More! More! More!’”

“She called me CHIKIN SAMA!” Chikin squealed, her pure joy killing the muzzle.

“So that’s why she’s been so annoying.” Crawford muttered.

“Finally, someone mentions me in the review! It’s always eMu!” Chikin ranted. “Just because she types-”

“And created the account. And posts. And bugs you to update. You know, I think I deserve more credit. Not to mention I wrote the first three chapters independently.” eMu snapped back.

“But I co-wrote when it started getting good!” Chikin argued.

“Wait a minute. What’s wrong with me and Ken?” Yohji demanded.

“You pale in comparison to our glory.” Schuldig answered.

“I’m sure that’s it Circus Clown.” Yohji said patronizingly.

“Ahem! What did we learn from this review?” eMu shouted.

“That we should kill Ken and Yohji?” Aya guessed.

“And torture the whelp. They seem to like that.” Schuldig added.

Ken, Yohji and Nagi turned glares on the two redheads.

“Right. Well, we’re not killing Ken and Yohji. See? We’re not pandering. On to the next review-”

“Hey wait! What about torturing me?” Nagi demanded.

“Chibi torture is a long standing tradition of this fic. We can hardly change it at this point.” eMu answered patiently.

“I think you can change very easily-”

“And our next review is from 01. ‘So, caugh let us speak about Ken's test scores! evilgrin And then rewind the video to look at Nagiwagis shattered hopes and dreams in close-up. Why didn't you got a video camera for Schu a little bit sooner anyway? Think about all the great family moments missed and lost forever! Like the look on little Farfi-babe after his ride in the Laundromat! gets dreamy look I was shoked by the femals ih but I think Omi-kun dead dog made up for it. That's it, for my far too long review which didn't say anything suicide angel.’”

Omi sniffled. “She liked my puppy dying?”

“Actually I thought that was pretty funny too.” Ken admitted.

“What?! Ken-kun!”

“Is there anyone who didn’t think Kritiker killing Omi’s puppy was funny?” Ken asked the room at large.

Everyone either muttered noncommittally or remained silent while avoiding Omi’s eyes. Even Nagi. Omi glared an Aya-shi-ne glare at him.

“I didn’t think it was funny at first! But…I mean he had a cute name. He had to die.” Nagi said defensively.

“So? I should have named him something stupid like Dead or Rictor Mortis?” Omi snapped.

“What’s wrong with the name Dead?” Nagi asked. “It’d look great on the tombstone. But then again there really wasn‘t a tombstone.”

Now Crawford was glaring at Nagi.

“Well…so torturing cute things is still funny. Now for our next review. This is from LoneCayt. ‘Aya gets trashed? Yay! I think my favorite fics are the ones where Aya is either stoned or drunk (or both) off his ass. Happy. By the by, which picture is this with the rose tattoo and Ken in bondage? That sounds exciting. Oh, and I love Crawford in this chap. His logic is amazing.’ Wow. I think that’s the first time someone’s complimented Crawford so openly.”

“Hey! People like me.” Crawford sniffed.

“You wear a suit.” Chikin argued.

“So?” Crawford said defensively, wondering how this was relevant.

“So it either makes you an asshole or a rapist. Or possibly both.” Chikin explained.

“Or a professional.”

“Not in fan fiction. Those are the rules. The fact that you’re tall isn’t in your favor as a non-rapist either.” Chikin continued.

“I’m not a rapist!” Crawford yelped.

All of the other characters had scooted away from him.

“Uh…what’s this about Aya and Ken in bondage?” Yohji asked, looking slightly disturbed.

eMu handed them one of the many embarrassing official images.

“I don’t remember posing for this!” Aya shouted.

“Am I wearing a skirt?” Yohji yelped.

“Am I wearing a skirt?” Omi asked, grabbing the picture.

“Am I wearing a skirt?” Ken yelped.

“I’m wearing pants.” Aya said smugly.

“And they’re unbuttoned.” Yohji noted.

“Aya, you slut!” Ken looked scandalized.

“You’re the one with the dog collar!” Aya snapped back.

“Aya, do you really have that tattoo?” Omi asked.

“I think this picture was doctored. Yohji only has one eye.” Aya growled.

“Ken. Does Aya really have that tattoo?” Yohji asked.

“I dunno. It was kinda dark in the storage room-”

“Shut up! I don’t have that tattoo.” Aya said with a death glare.

“Somehow I don’t believe him.” Omi muttered.

“I don’t!” Aya insisted. He pulled off his shirt to prove it, and there was a rose tattoo on his chest. He covered it quickly with his hand. “I don’t remember that!” He yelped.

“You’d think it would be in the rest of the pictures when he’s shirtless.” Schuldig noted, flipping through the large pile of embarrassing official images. “Why am I green?”

“Remember? That stage you went through with the green hair-” Crawford started.

“I remember that! I mean all green!” Schuldig snapped.

“And more importantly, why are you heiling?” Nagi asked, pulling out another picture.

“Heiling?” Schuldig asked. Then he stared at the picture. He was indeed, posing as though honoring Hitler. “Oh God! Stop insulting my culture! What? Is there a picture of Farf river dancing as a leprechaun!”

“WHAT!” Farf screeched.

“No, they haven’t done that yet.” eMu said through clenched teeth. Once again the characters had run away from her. “We can’t even get through six goddamn reviews. Let’s just start the fucking story!”

“You guys ruined it again!”

“Shut up Chikin!”

“Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sa-”

AT THE KONEKO

“What’d they say? What’d they say?” Ken asked excitedly.

“I’m going out.” Aya snapped.

“Where’re you going? Wait! Where are you going?” Ken asked. Aya slammed the door in his face. Ken watched from the window as the porshe peeled out of the driveway and down the street.

MEANWHILE

“So how do you like your ice cream?” Dana asked pleasantly.

“It’s good.” Farfarello answered cheerfully. Dante was silently glaring at Farf, hardly noticing his ice cream.

“Dante, how do you like your ice cream?” Dana asked firmly.

“Too cold.” Dante growled. “Quiet, I’m concentrating.”

“What are you doing?” Farfarello asked curiously.

“Giving you brain cancer.”

“AAh! Make him stop!” Farfarello wailed. “Dana, he’s doing it again!”

“For the last time, you can’t give him cancer!” Dana exclaimed.

“If I wish hard enough it’ll come true. Disney taught me that.” Dante answered.

“You like Disney too?” Farfarello asked excitedly.

“Not anymore.” Dante answered. Farf frowned, looking sad. “That’s another thing you’ve destroyed for me! My family, my life and now…the one good thing about my childhood. What’s next? Music?”

“I love musi-”

“I think that’s a great idea! Let’s do karaoke! This is Japan, there should be a karaoke bar around here somewhere.” Dana said desperately.

Dante and Farfarello fixed a glare on Dana. “Karaoke is an insult to music.” They said in unison, then both scowled at the fact that they’d done it again.

“Can we go to the zoo?” Farfarello asked.

“We already went to the damn zoo. The only thing there were suicidal animals.” Dante snapped.

“Alright, Dante. You need to get over this. Farfarello did not do anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. He didn’t even know you existed-”

“He took everything from me! Do you know how good my life would have been if he’d been stillborn!” Dante exclaimed.

“Ouch.”

“That’s it, we’re getting professional help.” Dana muttered.

AT DA SCHWARZ PENTHOUSE

“Wow. This almost makes up for the years of abuse and neglect I’ve suffered at your hands.” Nagi said approvingly as he entered the new penthouse.

“Quiet pack mule!” Schuldig ordered, giving Nagi a little encouragement kick into the living room. He’d been lugging up the shopping bags with his telekinesis.

Crawford immediately emptied the contents of the Penny’s Pet Emporium bag onto the living room rug.

“I’m gonna claim a bedroom.” Nagi announced, leaving Schuldig and Crawford to their new toys. “This one looks good-”

“It’s Farf’s. We already fitted the new locks on the door.” Crawford called.

“Okay, well-”

“That’s mine!” Schuldig called.

“Well then this one-”

“That’s my second bedroom!” Schuldig announced.

“You can’t have two bedrooms!” Nagi complained.

“If you’d been here, you could have gotten the spare bedroom.” Crawford said slowly. “Wait…that one’s mine…then there’s Curt's room. We forgot to leave a bedroom open for Nagi.”

“Curt can’t have his own room! He’s a hamster!” Nagi yelped.

“No, he is my hamster and I am the team leader. He’s second in command. He gets his own room-”

“Wait a minute Brad. I am not taking orders from a hamster! I thought I was second in command! I have seniority!” Schuldig yelled.

“Yeah well, you’re not my favorite.” Crawford answered smugly. Nagi snorted.

“Oh come on. Everyone knows you’re at the bottom of this food chain. No one loves you.” Schuldig said scathingly. Nagi frowned. “Your parents should have had an abortion.”

“Omi said that’s a mean thing to say.” Nagi said weakly.

“Omi says a lot of things.” Schuldig answered.

“Look, Nagi needs a bedroom so you need to give up your second bedroom.” Crawford stated.

“Hey, this place has big closets. He doesn’t really need a bedroom-”

“Fine. He gets your walk in closet.”

“Hey!” From both Nagi and Schuldig.

“I don’t wanna sleep in a closet!”

“I don’t want him to sleep in my closet!”

Nagi turned on his heel and slammed one of the doors.

“Where’s he now?” Schuldig asked.

“He’s in the bathroom.” Crawford noted.

“I claim this room!”

“Fine. This place has gotta be loaded with bathrooms.” Schuldig said, turning back to his new toys.

“Actually we just have the one. And an outhouse.”

“Memories…” They both said with a sigh.

LATER

“You can’t monopolize the toilet paper!” Schuldig yelled.

“It’s my room, I have claimed everything within these tiled walls!” Nagi answered. He’d already added some homey touches to it. He’d gotten a slipcover for the toilet and filled the tub with pillows, which made it a surprisingly comfortable bed. He had his laptop plugged in at the sink outlet, and Omi had been getting him supplies. They were talking online, and Omi had been bringing food to him that he’d been floating through the open window.

“Has he moved yet?” Crawford asked.

“No, the toilet king is still sitting on his pearly throne.” Schuldig spat. “I think he’s really planning on living there.”

“Just give him your spare room!” Crawford said angrily.

“No!”

“Well then force him out with your powers! We need that bathroom! The outhouse is infested with opossums.” Crawford snapped.

“I can’t.”

“Pardon?”

“I can’t force him out! The acoustics of the room are all wrong. Everything bounces back and confuses my brain. It’s like the ultimate in telepathic shielding.” Schuldig admitted.

“Mastermind has been defeated by tiles.” Crawford said slowly, absorbing that pathetic bit of information. “Let’s break the door down.”

“I can’t! I tried that. Takatori reinforced all his doors. He really is paranoid!” Schuldig said with distaste.

“Where are you going?” Crawford demanded to Schuldig’s retreating back.

“I have to pee. I’m going to Yohji’s.”

“I thought you weren’t talking-”

“I’m not.”

“Aren’t you gonna have to-”

“No. If he doesn’t let me in I’ll piss on the lawn.” Schuldig explained.

“That can’t work-” Crawford was cut off by his cell phone ringing. “Hello?”

“Hey…Crawfoo-chan!”

“Who the hell is this? How did you get this number?” Crawford demanded.

“You gaff me th’number bastard! They pulled m’over and took th’car. I needa ride.”

“Ran? Is that you?” Crawford asked, stunned. “Are you okay? Are you bleeding? Hold on, I’ll be over in a minute. I’d bring a first aid kit but Nagi’s walled himself into the bathroom.”

“M’not hurd…huty…hurdy hurdee…”

“Are you drunk?” Crawford asked.

“They took m’car. They took Aya-sama man! I…I dunno what I’d do wifout m’car…s’my life.” Aya sounded like he was crying now.

“Nagi I’m heading out!” Crawford called.

“Okay! I’m not coming out!” Nagi answered.

“I didn’t expect you to!”

ELSEWHERE

“Hello Jei and Sei. I’m Miss Poppet.” A little puppet in a cupcake dress and a bonnet said pleasantly.

“Can we leave now?” Dante asked.

“Sit back down! This woman is the foremost authority on family therapy.” Dana informed his two captives.

“The puppet?” Farfarello asked.

“Yes. The puppet.” Dante answered scathingly. “What the hell is wrong with you!”

“Wait a minute Sei…you’re going to bust Jei’s IALAC if you do that.” Miss Poppet chided.

“My whatsit?” Farfarello asked.

“IALAC. I am loving and capable. When people say mean things, they bust people’s IALACs, and we don’t want to do that.” Miss Poppet explained. “Now you need to tell Jei something you like about him to get his IALAC back up.”

“I don’t wanna.” Dante whined.

“Do it or you’re never leaving.” Dana threatened.

“Fine. I like his nose. Except for that big ugly scar he made over it. Like the big ugly scar he is in my life, taking all that’s good and mutilating it into-”

“Alright Sei, that’s enough. Did you hear that Jei? Your brother thinks you’re handsome. How does that make you feel?” Miss Poppet asked.

“Like a narcissist.” Farfarello answered.

“How-”

“Don’t interrupt please Dana. Jei, can you please explain why you’re feeling that?” Miss Poppet asked.

“Sure. You see we’re identical twins. So if he thinks I’m handsome, then he thinks he’s handsome, and that makes him vain. So he’s a narcissist. So I’m a narcissist…Wait, no. I get all confused when I talk to puppets.” Farfarello lamented.

“It’s okay dear, you’re doing fine. Now why don’t you tell me something you like about your brother?” Miss Poppet asked.

“I like it when he doesn’t burn me.”

“No, what do you like about him? Something that he does.”

“Well see, he does burn me, so I like it when he doesn’t-”

“Not what he doesn’t, what he does!”

“You don’t have to yell. You’re a mean puppet.” Farfarello pouted.

“You see what I have to put up with!” Dante screeched.

“What do you mean put up with! We met two days ago!” Farfarello yelled.

“No shouting in the happy hut! THIS IS A PLACE OF LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS DAMMIT!” Miss Poppet screamed.

“Yes’m.” The twins said in unison.

“Wow…took seven minutes for the puppet to snap.” Dana noted, looking at his watch.

MEANWHILE, ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

“Ran? You look terrible.” Crawford said with a frown. He’d rarely seen his vain friend so disheveled.

“T’anks Brad…you alwaysh shucked at compl’ments.” Aya slurred.

“What happened?” Crawford asked, losing some of his sympathy towards his friend.

“Armageddon, thash’ wha! You heard me! Th’world’s ending! Pack your bags, s’all gone, bye bye!” He waved to his imaginary world. “I’m an idiot,” He was now counting off a list on his fingers. “You’re an idiot, Yohji’s an idiot, Schuldig’s an idiot, we’re all idiots! Th’whole world’s an idiot, c’ept one!”

“And who would that be?” Crawford asked.

Aya laughed, a slow croaking laugh.

BACK AT THE KONEKO

“It’s all dark and lonely in here.” Ken whimpered. “Yohji I’m scared!”

“Ken, it’s alright. You’re just stuck in the pantry again. Turn around and walk back out.” Yohji said patiently. He was seated at the kitchen table, online shopping on Omi’s laptop.

“It’s dark! I can’t get out, I’m gonna starve!” Ken yelped fearfully.

Yohji let out a long suffering sigh, then got up and helped his friend out of the food pantry. “Now leave me alone. I’m trying to find Schuldig a Christmas present.”

“But it’s way past Christmas Yohji. Oh I get it! You’re an early shopper.” Ken said with a nod.

“Sure. That’s it. Okay Ken, if you were Schuldig, what would you-no. Never mind.” Yohji stopped and sat down in front of the laptop again.

“What?”

“You have horrible taste in Christmas presents, so I don’t need your help.” Yohji explained.

“Hey, I did pretty good this year.” Ken said defensively.

“Yes, I’ve used my cap gun many a time. It has taken down many a dark beast in battle.” Yohji answered sarcastically.

“Well Omi liked his!”

“What about last year?”

“Are you blaming me for the Sims fiasco?”

“Yes. Oh, and the year before.”

“It’s not my fault those bunny rabbits were rabid!”

DING DONG.

“Can you get it?” Yohji asked, pulling up his website again.

“Sure.” Ken walked over to the front door. “Hey Schuldig.”

“Hey Hidaka. So. You’ve gotten over that strange fear of me?”

“Strange? You threatened my manhood! With a rusty scalpel and a pink scrunchy!” (see Malarkeys and Mayhem - A/N)

“Jesus man, you need to get over things like that. Is Yohji in?” Schuldig asked.

“Hang on.” Ken walked into the kitchen. “Yohji, there’s someone at the-”

“I’m busy now, alright? Tell her to go away!“ Yohji snapped.

Ken walked back over to the door. “Yohji says to go away. Oh, and he called you a woman.”

“What?! Look, just ask him if I can use the bathroom.”

Ken once again marched over to Yohji. “Hey Yohji-”

“Leave me alone Ken! I need to get Schuldig a present so he’ll like me again, and this fucking website keeps freezing! Whatever it is, NO!” Yohji yelled.

“Okay.” Ken went back to report to Schuldig. “He says no.”

“I hate you!” Yohji’s scream was audible from the kitchen.

“And he hates you.” Ken added.

Schuldig had a scowl on his face. “Fine then. If you’ll excuse me.” He turned calmly.

Ken walked back into the kitchen.

“I hate you! You stupid website! LOAD! L-o-a-d!” Yohji urged it.

“Schuldig’s peeing on the seven.” Ken announced.

“What?” Yohji jumped up from his chair.

“Maybe he’s marking his territory. I dunno. You said he couldn’t use the bathroom.”

“I what now?” Yohji ran over to his car, in time to see a very angry Schuldig storming away.